|Before I knocked over his dad's urn|
7:45 AM: I arrive at the Brennan compound in Fountain Hill, as Joe stands on the corner with his two grade school sons, all three of them wearing ties and jackets. The boys are waiting for their ride to Holy Infancy, while Joe is going with me. I'm dressed in tattered jeans, old sneakers and driving what has been called the "death wagon." As the boys leave, one of them whispers, "Be careful, Dad."
7:50 AM: Joe takes me on a tour of his estate, as his dog checks me out. It is then that I realize my zipper is open.
7:55 AM: Joe and I hit the road, for the drive to the land of midnight payraises. Abut halfway there, somewhere around Shartlesville, Joe tells me, "They grow mushrooms around here, so it always smells like farts in this area." Actually, I had been farting a good ten minutes.
Once we hit Lebanon, my mushroom machine begins to work again. "Man, I don't remember mushrooms in this area," says Joe. "Must be from all the rain this year," I innocently reply.
Ten minutes after that, Joe's head was hanging out the window the rest of the way to Harrisburg.
10:00 AM: Joe has a meeting with Lieutenant Governor Jim Cawley about Marcellus Shale or something. Before he goes in, he asks me, "Do I call him Lieutenant or Governor?"
"Who the hell do you think I am, Miss Etiquette? I'm a bottom-feeding blogger, and we call Lieutenant Governors assholes."
10:05 AM: While I'm examining four goofy statues in the rotunda, the Lieutenant Governor's office door flies open and he storms out, going about 40 mph. "Good morning, your Excellence," I say, and give him a little bow. While he keeps on going, Joe comes out, looking a little ashen. He doesn't want to talk about it.
Did I give him the wrong advice?
10:07 AM: Joe's legislative assistant, Maria, calls. Apparently, some Supreme Court Justice is blowin' oil because some idiot is parked in his special spot. The jurist is threatening contempt citations and the death penalty.
"Tell him to move the goddamn car himself. That's why I left the keys in it. Let him figure it out."
"You left the keys in the car?"
"That way I won't lose them."
10:10 AM: Joe asks Maria to go down, see Hizzoner, and move the car without getting us jailed. Good call. She's prettier than us.
10:15 AM: Joe checks email and correspondence, while I use my iPad to insult my readers, just like when I'm home.
10:30 AM: I go with Joe to a Judiciary Committee hearing, where Megan's law reforms are discussed and adopted. I'll have a report about that later. Joe pretends he does not know me.
|I just met a girl named Maria|
"So, you come here often?"
"I work here."
"I'll bet you drive, don't you?"
"Yes. I drive."
"In a car, right?"
She quickly leaves for lunch. I do have a way with the ladies.
While waiting there, some dudes come in to talk about solar energy, and I tell them I'm a lobbyist with Big Oil. Then I pop on Joe's phone and start prank calling Governor Corbett and The Morning Call's John Micek.
|May he rest in peace.|
12:45 PM: Joe and I are on the way to the House floor, when we bump into a bunch of union guys sporting yellow T-shirts. What is with union guys and T-shirts? I remember the good ol' days, when they carried tire irons. Joe, who opposes privatization of liquor stores, poses with them. They'll be here every day, handing out T-shirts. I got three of them from three different guys until they get wise to me. Then one of them breaks out a tire iron.
|The three amigos|
1:05 PM: I make it to the 4th floor, where security guards search me with a smile. ... A very long time. I don't want to jump to any conclusions, but one of the name tags says Sandusky.
1:20 PM: After that very careful search, I make it onto the peanut gallery. No sooner do I sit down than the damn Speaker gavels the session adjourned until 5 PM, so Democrats and Republicans can caucus in their star chambers.
Well, that's my report on Bring Your Blogger to Work Day. I'll finish with a pic of the guys from 1776. I actually agree with them on this one. So there. Besides, I have three T-shirts.