As my fans like to tell you, on a damn near daily basis, I'm a drunk. It's been decades since I retired as champion, but it's true. Usually, it's no big deal. But if you have a cold and you're a boozehound on the wagon like me, you're in for it. They might as well shoot us and put us out of our misery. You see, most cold medicines are out. They're laced with alcohol. That's against the rules. I have to avoid them. For that, I am occasionally rewarded with bronchitis or pneumonia.
I can take Robitussin. No booze. Last night, I stopped by the pharmacy for a six-pack. The barkeep tried to charge me $2 more per bottle because I did not have my CVS card. Not a very good idea to try that on a sick blogger. I immediately blamed drug stores for the recession and loudly claimed he would not treat me that way if I was the Big Three. He quickly used his own damn card, which is what he should have done in the first place. Bastard.
When I got home, I gulped down half a bottle immediately. But I forgot I have to be careful about what kind I get. Some contain antihistamines, and they knock me out. I just got up from a 3 1/2 hour nap, so as you may have guessed, I got the wrong kind. Unfortunately, I gulped down another half bottle before pulling out my magnifying glass to read the bottle's ingredients. It's laced with "chlorpheniramine maleate." Right next to those words is this - "antihistamine."
That's against the rules, too. Mind-altering substances must be avoided at all costs, they say. So far, aside from being tired, the only adverse effect is some giant troll who posts my address everywhere and tells me to bolt my doors 24/7. That's probably just my imagination.
Right now, I'm swilling hot coffee. Black. Sumatra. Caffeine is my savior. Years of stimulants will counteract years of a depressant, I guess. For some reason, that's not against the rules.
If you know any treatments for the common cold that don't involve shooting me or booze, feel free to share them.