Thursday, November 04, 2010

Jerry Springer, Meet Business Matters!

I was at Channel 69 (WFMZ) yesterday for a Business Matters show having something to do with blogs and newspapers. Zzzzzzzz. Knowing that host Tony Iannelli likes to tape a few shows at the same time, I got there a little early so I could catch some of the action. Against their better judgment, they let me in. Who else do you think was sitting in the audience? That's right. The Evil Ron Angle was there, wearing three ties stolen from Iannelli, drinking coffee with an unlit cigar in hand. We both watched a show that included his former campaign manager, Jay Finnigan. Angle, O'Hare & Finnigan. The last time all three of us were together, we set Northampton County back about fifty years. Yesterday, we turned Business Matters into the Jerry Springer show. At one point, I think they were calling the cops. I doubt any of us will be back anytime soon. Let me tell you the story.

When Angle saw me, he was thrilled. "Bernie, my good man," says Angle. "Sit down and enjoy the show." Ron says "my good man" a lot.

"Would you like a cup of coffee?"

When I said I would, he told me exactly where to go to steal a cup. I then shared that secret with a magazine publisher, who was also watching the show.

Now the show Finnigan was doing was pretty good. Don Cunningham was there, as was Whitehall Mayor Ed Hozza, a very bright and funny guy. And they all had a very refined discussion on the pros and cons of municipal consolidation and crap like that while I was sharing fart jokes with the Bulldog.

When that show ended, Finnigan decided to stick around for the second show. Ron Angle and Michelle Young were the Evil Conservatives, and were girding for a tag team match against the Righteous Libs, featuring Mike Schlossberg and Jude Laure-Denis. They were going to discuss the Tuesday Night Massacre.

Of course, it got wild, and I started hooting and hollering from the peanut gallery. Finnigan would tell me to shut up, but that just made me louder. Angle loved it until I started cheering for Schlossberg.

Words like "boner," "crap" and "whore" were being tossed around as Iannelli played ref. You're not gonna' believe this, but Angle was actually innocent.

"He's a boner," shouted Obamagirl Jude, referring to future House Speaker John Boehner.

"It's Boehner, not Boner."

"I don't care. I'm calling him John Boner," retorted Jude, who also claimed that people don't like Obama because he's black.

"She's in la la land, and couldn't find her way out with six seeing eye dogs," snapped Angle as Schlossberg rushed to her defense, insisting she'd only need three seeing eye dogs.

Schlossberg blamed everything on Shawn Millan, Charlie Dent's campaign manager, whom he calls an Evil Genius and the "Karl Rove of the Lehigh Valley. That's true, too.

It was a trip, but what was really cool about it was that nobody was taking anything personally and they were all laughing at points.

Then it came time for the show about bloggers and real journalists, pitting me against Express Times Editor-in-Chief Joe Owens, Morning Call reporter and pretty boy John Micek and WFMZ anchor Eve Tannery. Talk about a stacked deck! Angle and Finnigan stuck around for the slaughter and began doing waves and shit like that in the audience.

Naturally, I told Micek and Owens that they both suck, that their election coverage was horrid, and Thank God for Eve Tannery and Channel 69. I got her on my side before they knew what hit them. Finnigan and Angle loved it, but Owens went ballistic. He was pissed to begin with because he only arrived a minute after me, but had to wait in the lobby for a half hour until someone came for him.

I did have one legitimate complaint. On election night, I was going back and forth for election results between WFMZ and The Morning Call. WFMZ did an outstanding job of posting results quickly, but The Morning Call really dropped the ball. At 10:30 PM, after Callahan had conceded, The Morning Call still showed him up by 6 points with 10% of the votes tabulated.

I attacked, just like the bottom-feeding blogger I am. Owens got in my face, while Micek got all defensive, saying they "had done their best". I thought he was going to cry.

Then Owens got really dirty and just had to bring up my Charlie Dent tattoo, which was supposed to be a private matter. So I slammed The Express Times for its goofy Jake Towne endorsement, telling Joe that they had endorsed a robot with an exoskeleton, and that nobody could reach Towne on election night because he was at a Star Trek Convention. In the meantime, Angle was hooting and hollering in the peanut gallery, taking score.

Owens eventually understood that I was mostly screwing around. Not Micek, whom I had called an elitist and a slew of other names. He never really caught on. He literally ran out as soon as the show was over. In fact, I think he jumped out a window.

Owens and I left together. He was nice to me until we got into the parking lot, where he kicked my ass. Yes, I went down, but I was swinging.


Anonymous said...

Iannelli is a whore who uses nuts like you and Angle to get ratings. I told him that and suggested trained baboons because they have more talent, are more photogenic, are smarter and don't throw shit around the studio.
Iannelli agreed but said you two whackjobs are funnier than the baboons.

Jungle Jim

Anonymous said...

Fortunately, if Micek jumped out the window at Channel 69, he was on the ground floor.
You still haven't explained why Angle was there. Can't believe he only stopped by for coffee and a cigar.
As for Channel 69's election night coverage, for more than 20 years they've been on top of this game and continue to be so.
The Call is falling apart. Someone recently wrote we all should subscribe more, not less, so the paper can hire more reporters. Please! We can't even get a human voice to answer any phones, not even in the newsroom to report a scoop.

Anonymous said...

The E-T endorsed a candidate that still had the "Who is..? signs out at the polling places.

As dumb as the blank page Algore endorsement a while back. Thankfully, neither had an impact.

Bernie O'Hare said...

"You still haven't explained why Angle was there."

H was there to watch shows 1 & 3 and participaed in show 2.

Anonymous said...

"Of course, it got wild, and I started hooting and hollering from the peanut gallery."

"In the meantime, Angle was hooting and hollering in the peanut gallery, taking score."

Hmmmm just like the very "goons" you always complain about....Go figure!!

Anonymous said...

The only goon is Angle. He called all concerned citizens who want to keep Gracedale, "whiners and snivelers".

He is a stupid and bitter man who has a track record of treating people poorly.

Chris Casey said...

I can't wait to see this extravaganza, Of course, they don't invite me anymore, because I'm not nice!

Bernie O'Hare said...

"He is a stupid and bitter man who has a track record of treating people poorly."

And you are an anonymous coward, a whiner and a sniveler.

Bernie O'Hare said...

"Of course, they don't invite me anymore, because I'm not nice!"

If it's any consolation, I don't think I'll be back anytime soon.