Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Back in the Saddle

Before the ride
A few Saturdays ago, I suffered a humiliating defeat at the hands of Express Times Editor Joe Owens in a 5k. I've been out there every day since late May, while he's done nothing. He even popped a Slim Jim a few minutes before the race started. Now he's calling himself "Irish lightning."

Since that fateful day, I've intensified my training. My bicycles kept beckoning me, but I've resisted them because I was afraid the tires would pop the moment I got on one of them.

On Sunday, for the first time in six years, I hopped on my BUV (bike utility vehicle). It's a monster equipped with headlights that will blind you, bad-ass Kevlar tires and a frame that can smash right through the thickest bushes. I enjoyed the brief ride so much that I decided to ride it from Nazareth to the courthouse on Monday. My sore ass and throbbing thighs are telling me I should have waited a few months or years, but what the hell do they know? I had a blast and will be doing it again soon, maybe this week.

Believe it or not, I made it to the courthouse. Sure, I had to walk up three mountains, but I made the nine miles in a blistering time of 53 minutes, which is about 60 mph.

Before walking into the courthouse, I stopped at a friend's office to show off and impress his hot secretary. But when I stepped inside, the blast from the air conditioner made me break out in a sweat, and it wasn't long before I was dripping all over both of them.

I plopped down in one of his cumfy chairs to take a load off, and discussed all the world's problems for about thirty seconds before realizing I really needed a drink of water. But when I got up, my buddy's chair was full of sweat that was now pouring out of my ass for some reason.

At least I think it was sweat.

I cleaned up that mess with a bottle of Fabreze. Hey, if it works on cat shit, it should work on me.

After wowing everyone at the office, I strolled across the street to the courthouse, where my bicycle helmet was immediately confiscated. Those things must be dangerous.

I confronted another friend who has been thinking about getting an e-Bike (battery assisted). "Suck it up!" I told him, and then proceeded to brag about how fast I made it in from Nazareth, which is mostly a downhill ride.

As I exercised my jaw muscles, I noticed that I was beginning to get stiff ... not there ... but in all the places where a man does not want to be stiff. My legs felt like rubber. Even my wrists were sore.

After
No problem. I could just hop on a bus heading to Northampton Community College, which would reduce my ride home to just 5 miles.

And that's what I did. While waiting outside of the Easton Area Community Center, I started sweating (I know, I should say I perspire) again, and one of the ladies inside took pity on me and gave me a bottle of water, which was delightful.

As we discussed flu shots, a courthouse worker who religiously walks to and from the courthouse everyday, saw me on her way home. All three of us talked about flu shots until the bus came.

The bus was packed, mostly with students heading to the Community College. I pretended I was a professor. Most of them have iPods and tuned me out anyway.

When we got there, I popped onto my BUV and made my way onto Rte 191 for the ride to Nazareth. Although it was rush hour, only three people tried to run me off the road. I did get an email from a friend - an avid cyclist - who saw me struggling up the hill near Rte 191 and Newburg Road. "I think I saw you on a bike at about 5:45 tottering out of Newburg and heading towards Nazareth. I was worried about you.........at the pace you were setting and the distance yet to travel, I was not sure you would make it before dark!"

He's obviously jealous.

He denied he was one of the bastards who tried to run me down. "I was going in the opposite direction. I am also a member of the NRA. I certainly would not miss a target that size!" He added that he's been reading my blog. "I do believe there are some folks on there who truly do not like you! I guess they just need to take the time to know you better! LOL"

Yeah, he's funny. He should be on Saturday Night Live. We'll see how much he laughs when he tries to start his car tomorrow.

Despite this guy's obvious attempts to murder me, I made it to Nazareth before nightfall. I even had time to stop at Giant for a few slices of watermelon, my favorite treat. While standing outside and admiring all the ladies who were parading in and out of there, another old fart came over and started talking to me. He's 84, a WWII vet, and must have thought I was in his age bracket.

"Have you had a bypass, too?" he asked.

I kicked the shit out of him and rode off.

23 comments:

Anonymous said...

Bernie
You're such a good writer. You don't need to write junk like this. It's vulgar. It's sad to read you wrote this.

Anonymous said...

Keep cheering for yourself, no one else will. BTW, you need to lose another 100 lbs before anyone notices

Bill Coker said...

Bernie,

Have to admire you for the effort. That's a hell of a first trip, 14 miles round trip. Only bike I'd do it on is my Yamaha 250.

Bernie O'Hare said...

Bll, Years ago, I had a motorcycle, but the damn thing scared the shit out of me. I ended up giving it away.

Anonymous said...

Mr Ohare

I too ride however this summer was so hot I got out of my routine. I would be cautious about lengthy rides. Especially with the humidity we have had these last few days. This weekend the weather is "supposed" to cool down significantly. I look forward to hopping back in the saddle again.
I was wondering from Nazareth, would you brave travel directly on 248 to Easton? I would find that too hair raising with the traffic around 33. If so, wouldn't a route over to Stockertown be a safer choice?
I do peddle through Nazareth sometimes.
Maybe we will run into each other at some point it would be a pleasure to meet you.

My father was noted to say, eloquently

"look at those riders,
peddling their legs off, to give their asses a ride"

Anonymous said...

Good for you Bernie!

I also enjoy bike riding. Maybe we can go for a ride sometime.

Chuck

Bernie O'Hare said...

Anon 12:54,

I stay off 248 if it can be avoided. I decline to state my direct route into Easton bc there really are people who would try to run me off the road.

Anonymous said...

I cry for the seat.

Anonymous said...

Mr Ohare

I wasn't thinking of your adversaries when I wrote.
I understand your concern, however, do you really think they would stoop to criminal activity?
I would hope not!
Anyway happy trails.

Anonymous said...

Bernie has entered a state of paranoia. He glorifies himself to state that others would try to kill him, run him off the road, or deliberatley cause harm. Bernie you are not worth a piece of toilet paper used to wipe someone's ass in a jail cell. No one would be that stupid. You must have an over-inflated sense of your self worth. You are a true piece of shit. Get over it.

Bernie O'Hare said...

There is no doubt in my mind that some people would do me harm if they could do so anonymously. I have rec'd death threats, have had a car vandalized, have rec'd bizarre anonymous mail, to say nothing of the hatred spewed by some people.

Anonymous said...

so, 3:34 - who filled you with the sour cream of human kindness?

Anonymous said...

Bernie, if that is true, then it seems that the logical thing to do would be to tone down your hell rants, stop defaming others, and act like a human being for a change. If you cant do that, then expect heat to rise from the flame, and stop playing the poor victim all the time.

Bernie O'Hare said...

That is not the logical thing to do. It is the cowardly thing to do. And since you are attempting to intimidate me anonymously, you no doubt have a great understanding of cowardice.

I will continue to point out the truth, no matter how much it irks you and your ilk.

Anonymous said...

O'Hare and Angle are very similar that way. They are both drama queens with an inflated sense of themselvers. As though someone would waste their time running you off the road. Your own fat ass is your worst enemy

Bernie O'Hare said...

You waste quite a bit of time trying to bash me and shout me down. You have vandalized my car. I have rec'd death threats and pictures of dead Nazis. You have even made racist slurs against my grandson. You waste quite a bit of time attempting to prevent me from stating what is really going on, and it's no stretch to be concerned that one or more of you could be violent, especially if you could drive off after you're done, like the anonymous cowards you are. In fact, I'd say I hit it on the head.

Anonymous said...

Mr Ohare
I am the original poster of the query as to your taking Rt. 248. I had no idea a simple question from one rider to another would generate this degree of venom spewed by these hate filled people.
Color me warned for future posts.

Bernie O'Hare said...

Heh heh. Yep, they show what they're like. I'll be riding more often now and would enjoy a ride with you. You can email me at BOHare5948@aol.com

Anonymous said...

I think Drama Queen sumed it up in more ways than one. What a loon. O'Hare seek out some mental health counseling.

Your "truth", has been provven false so often that you are a figure people don't hate as much as they pity.

Get a life.

Bernie O'Hare said...

Someone who posts smears anonymously at 3 AM is telling me to get a life. That's rich, and just proves my point.

Alan Earnshaw said...

Anon 4:00 pm: "the sour cream of human kindness"

That's brilliant!

Anonymous said...

O'Hare who has no job except the charity of Angle and Stoffa, mocks people who work the overnight shifts in the Valley.

Now, THAT is rich!

Bernie O'Hare said...

No, I mock people who tell me I have no life while anonymously posting comments at 3 AM.