Friday, March 16, 2007

"Madness? This is Northampton County!"

Before last night's meeting of Northampton County council, I bumped into Express Times reporter extraordinaire Sarah Cassi. I blocked her way into council chambers, regaling her with tales from my blog.

"Did you know my blog is worth $10,518?"

After she escaped, I latched onto county exec John Stoffa. I always dazzle him with my intellectual superiority. Lsat night, it was the details from 300. I saw that five times last weekend with groups of teenage boys who share my love for classic Greek history.

"Those Persian arrows will blot out the sun tonight, John."

"Huh?"

"Don't worry, John. We'll fight them in the shade."

"Bernie, what the hell are you talking about? It's night and it's raining."

Stoffa would probably have talked with me all night, but the meeting was starting and deputies were coaxing me away. I found my usual seat in the peanut gallery, and furiously began taking notes of the entire meeting. Citizen journalism! How many members of the public were there? 23. Impressive, huh? I've got loads of stuff like that.

I scribbled six full sheets of paper, covering every detail. I've got Council Prez Grube'e groans about council's decision to transfer Veterans Affairs to Human Services. "At the rate we're going, in another two years we'll be a replica of Lehigh County." And they all moaned over a simple resolution to study the possibility of a bi-county health department. "At the rate we're going, in another two years we'll be a replica of Lehigh County."

Council also approved four union contracts for the judges' slaves. After that, Councilman Lamont McClure wanted to go into secret session to consult the oracle about the residual unit. Solicitor Lenny Zito cautioned against going to the back room. "At the rate you're going, in another two years you'll be a replica of Lehigh County."

Council finally agreed to spend $1.5 million to buy Gus Milides' vacant law office, across the street from the courthouse, for our new archives. Councilman Ron Angle was vehemently opposed. He thinks land is cheaper in upstate New York. "At the rate we're going, in another two years we'll be a replica of Lehigh County."

After council had adjourned, I sat in the back with Al Jordan, our computer geek. I was impressing him with my knowledge of voting machine software when county lawyer Chris Spadoni rudely interrupted.

Spadoni squealed that HRH DePaul's dad, toupee and all, had just ripped into Ron Angle. I had missed the whole frickin' thing! Apparently, King DePaul had to be led away by an 18 foot tall deputy sheriff who would make a great Xerxes in 300 II. I have six pages of frickin' notes, and missed the biggest story of the evening!

I tried to find out what really happened by talking to Angle. That's like asking Dick Cheney to explain why we really invaded Iraq. According to Ron, the Debbie Dad approached the dais and started threatening Angle for giving his daughter a rough time. That much I believe. He apparently also told Angle he was going to kick his ass and would be waiting outside. When Angle started talking about High Noon again, I tuned him out. One thing is certain. Angle was taking no chances. He put on his Persian outfit and left the building with an escort of Immortals, all on their way to Tic Toc Diner.

Geez! Angle only attended one of the six task force meetings. I've been to all of them. And I've been much nastier. Uh oh. Time to go.

Outside, on the way to my jeep, it happened. Some old fart with a lousy looking toupee walked up to me and snarled, "Are you Bernie O'Hare?"

"No, he left. I'm Bernie Long, Joe's good-looking kid brother."

The geezer turned to leave, but then he saw an old Angle bumper sticker on my jeep. Busted! I had tried to rip that off years ago, but it's embedded like a tattoo. Damn! I better get the hell out. I turned the ignition and ... nothing. My battery needs a charge. The dude was moving towards me like one of the Immortals, but wasn't quick enough. I let the clutch out, rolled down the hill and jump-started my jeep. He ran down the hill after me, screaming, "This is madness."

As I rolled away, I shouted to the old dude, "Madness? This is Northampton County!"

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

O'Hare, you're nuts. But you're also hilarious.

Anonymous said...

Now HRH DePaul is sending her Daddy to beat up people. Let's see....Hey Stoffa...maybe yesterday was a good time to fire her?

LVDem said...

Good morning laugh... sad thing is that I could see the whole damn thing in my head.

Love the line about Angle and Cheney. I never really thought about that.

Anonymous said...

so, with the fear of turning into lehigh county...is lehigh county persia? and if that's the case, i really can't imagine Stoffa running around in a loin cloth defending the pass at 22 and schoenersville road.

actually i could imagine it, but then i'd have to kill myself.

Bernie O'Hare said...

Blasphemy! (Persians say that a lot in 300.)

Actually, about 70% of the story is true. Wayne Grube really did make that remark about Lehigh County. Lamont McClure really did want to go behind closed doors. There really was some sort of ruckus between the Debbie dad and Angle, and it was entirely unprovoked.

I was amazed last night at just how parochial the ENTIRE council can be, with the exception of Dertinger. I'll have something to say about that next week.

LSTresidentPIA said...

Dertinger is just lucky I didn't show up last night so I could go off on him for not contacting me regarding my problems with the county conservation district.

He was suppose to speak to me after the last county council meeting, but didn't. I understand he was injured and all that and came to the meeting after being in the emergency room, but he has made no effort to contact me regarding my complaints. Nor has someone form the conservation district either.

My tax dollars at work, protecting the developers and not the residents.

Bernie O'Hare said...

LST, I'd call him.

Chris Casey said...

I was wondering, perhaps to pay Larry Otter's legal Bill, we could put Ron Angle and Dad Depaul in a ring for 3 minutes. Steel cage death match, perhaps? I see Northampton county Pay per view making some coin!

Anonymous said...

Did the father submit a bill too?
Where did they dine?

PA progressive said...

ROFL

Anonymous said...

Bernie!

A 3-Ring Circus deserves a Ring Master as talented and adroit as you.

I'm just shocked you didn't mention the Flying Gerbil Brothers on trapeze or my favorite crowd-pleasing act: shooting your bitchy Inflatable Girlfriend out of a cannon...

At least you had a full sideshow of clowns there with Angle, Grubie, Stoffa, and Dert.

You ARE the Evil Ring Leader,
Bernie Takes No Prisoners

Bernie O'Hare said...

Bernie TNP, My inflatable doll is missing. I think Jolly Joe Timmer stole it from my jeep last time I did Angle's show.

Anonymous said...

Bernie!

Sorry to tell you this...

But my contacts in the Police Department tell me that your Inflatable Doll is in the EVIDENCE ROOM. She was seized in the raid at Nitchsmann. Along with your Mr. Potato Head and Rubber Ducky.

Apparently, the Police found some "DNA EVIDENCE" on them that indicates they were used in a way you may not approve of.

And, along those lines, don't expect your "Big Bertha" club back anytime soon for golf season...

BTNP

Anonymous said...

You guys are a bunch of freaking cry baby whiners. What exactly is your problem did your mommy’s not show you love or worse? You have issues and you surely can’t get respect from any women since you don’t have the balls you were born with. Big tough men feel good to batter and beat up a girl. You are an embarrassment not only to NC but to society. And FYI humor isn’t decimating or degrading other humans that’s just plain pathetic. IndieFemale
– oh what the hell – look sasquatch knock it off or we’ll hunt you down shave your body sweater.

Bernie O'Hare said...

IndieFemale, Gee, I wasn't aware that I was attacking a poor defenseless woman. I though Debbie DePaul's dad was a male. Sorry.

Anonymous said...

Now HRH DePaul is sending her Daddy to beat up Bernie. Let's see...Hey Stoffa...hold up the firing for five minutes! Bernie, you do need your back shaved. Then, let's fire her!

Bernie O'Hare said...

Actually, I lied about that, too. Her only went after Angle. But I'll be happy to donate all my body hair so he can have a half-decent toupee.