"Ooh, hit me, Joe. Harder. I've been very bad."
He's gonna' need a heavy duty weed whacker. A nasty strain of Lisa Boscola just won't go away. And now a Jennifer Mann bud has just popped up.
But I've got the scoop on all of you. Fellow Nazareth resident Buddy Christ is scheduling a press conference on Easter Sunday outside Sam Bennett's house to announce he's really, really thinking hard about taking on formidable Congressman Charlie Dent.
I tried talking to Buddy, but he ignored me. He's a little miffed at me over his inceremonious removal from District Judge Stocklas' office. "Talk to the hand, 'cos the face don't wanna hear it no more." So instead, I had to listen to him speak to a group of suits at the Pomfert Club, where Buddy knocked over a few tables until he learned it isn't a church. "This ain't a church? You could have fooled me. You dudes look like a convention of undertakers!I'm your brotha' from anotha' motha.' I'm your sista' from anotha' mista.' Who's down with that?"
Christ's campaign manager, Judas "Takes No Prisoners" Iscariot, agreed to an interview after I gave him thirty pieces of silver.
Me: "Do you really think a political unknown can beat Charlie Dent?"
Judas: "The dude's a miracle worker, man."
Me: "What about money?"
Judas: "Did you see what he did with a few lousy loaves of bread? Money's the least of our troubles. It's his Father who bothers me. He always pops up when we least need it. Just the other day, Buddy was putting the moves on some hot babe. She was putty in his hands. Suddenly the sky gets dark, and we hear a giant baritone 'This is my Son in whom I am well pleased.' It's embarrassing. What if that happens in a debate? That bastard Shawn Millan will tape it, call Buddy a papa's boy, and that's all we'll be hearing on the radio for six weeks. Who needs that?"
As I left the group, Buddy was doing a karaoke rendition of the Rolling Stones, singing, "I'm a burning bush."