Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Who Thinks They Can Beat Me in a 5K?

UGI is busily replacing pipes all throughout Nazareth. Many Borough residents have been reporting tremors since early June. Here's why. I've begun walking again, and even have added some limited running to my regimen. They'll probably have to repave the streets before Summer's done.

Why am I doing it? I can give you all kinds of reasons, but it's basically because I like it. When I was a little boy, I walked with my Grandfather everywhere. I spent a lot of time with him. He walked to work every day, and from time to time, took me with him. I even accompanied him on his evening constitutionals in downtown Shenandoah. You might be surprised, but he was still a sick man. We'd be walking, and suddenly he'd tell me he was feeling ill and needed to see the doctor for a shot.
That happened at nearly every corner. At the end of our evening walks, he'd be feeling pretty good.

I'm ineligible for the shots, but still like to walk and even run.

And I'll bet I'm faster than you.

Now this might surprise you as much as my grandfather's mysterious illness, but here it is. Some of you hate me. In my years as a bottom-feeding blogger, I've received death threats, pictures of dead Nazis and strange homosexual letters with my picture superimposed on gay porn stars. On top of that, some of you like to take shots at me in comments on this very blog.

I have no idea what prompts this malevolence because I'm so nice, but there it is.

So I'm going to give you a chance to get me. On the Saturday before Labor Day, September 3, there's gonna' be a footrace at the Lehigh Parkway in Allentown. Not only am I going to run this race, but I'll give each of you a chance to beat me. I might even let you get ahead of me for a mile or two, before I close in and kick your ass. I'm 60 years old and I'm fat, but you'll still be eating my dust because I'm very fast and you're not.

This race is for a very good cause.

It's in honor of Ashly Moyer, a LV native who sacrificed her life for you and me in 2007 when an IED exploded under her armored vehicle in Baghdad. She had just been promoted to sergeant. Proceeds of the race proceeds will go to a scholarship fund set up in her name at Emmaus High School. The rest will go to Blue Star Mothers, which supports our soldiers here at home and abroad. You can read about it and register at the 5K Race for Freedom site.

The race costs $25, and I'll register on Friday, when I get some dough.

And here's my challenge. If you think you can beat me, challenge me in the comments below. On race day, write "I challenge Fat Ass O'Hare" on your bib, or maybe you could wear a little sign. For every person who beats me, I'll pay $1 to Blue Star Mothers. It's not much, but bottom-feeding bloggers don't make much money.

Here's the twist. If I beat you, and I will, you have to pay $5 to Blue Star Mothers.

Jon Geeting is probably too much of a coward to race me. Lord knows he can't match me mentally. I doubt he can do it physically, either. Molovinsky is even older than me, and uglier, too. He'll probably be in the hospital that day, anyway. Lehigh Valley With Love will probably still be hung over.

Local pols can try to take me out if they dare. Ann McHale, I'd love to see you waddle along in the Parkway. And Lamont McClure, you better get a "wide load" sign. Barron von Footinmouth? You can run in your kilt, you know.

News people like Joe Owens or Bill White would probably make the "It's unethical" argument. But both of them traipse all over the Lehigh Valley, stuffing pizza and cheese steks down their gullets. Do they have what it takes to silence me for once? I think not.

Gracedale Goons? Here's your chance. I'll even let you use your damn battery-powered wheelchairs, but I might accidentally knock them over.

And you anonymous trolls. Why not take me on like real men instead of the little weasels we all know you are. Don't you get tired of writing threats at 3 AM? Here's your chance, George Maniatty, Henry Schaadt, James Schlener, Walt Garvin, Joe Long, etc., etc., etc. (It's a long list).

Don't hate me because you can't be me. I'm fat. I'm old. And I'll kick your ass ... for a good cause.

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

You are an asshole Bernie but that is a good cause. Good for you helping out.

I have a suggestion, someone you know made it when I was talking to him about your blog. He said Bernie should volunteer for a "dunk tank" for a charity, the charity would make millions. I won't disclose the individual, since he can tell you himself. It wasn't in a mean or nasty tone. he was being honestly pragmatic and funny.

I tend to agree. Something to consider for the future. I can think of many,many people who would toss some balls to see you dunked.

PS-love your running suit, very slimming!

Bernie O'Hare said...

I am going to be even more ornery than usual to get as many people as I can to try and beat me (and fail) on September 3.

Yes, I am an asshole, and you are an anonymous coward who probably still shits his pants. Do you think you could go even 100 yards against me? You talk about tossing balls, but you don't have any. So take your smelly feet out of your big mouth and prepare to be humiliated at Lehigh Parkway on September 3.

Anonymous said...

You don't have to insult me.

John Stoffa

brenda said...

Maybe I'll go....that may draw a crowd

Mike Schware said...

OK Bernie, you're on!

I'll be at the race with my nine-year-old daughter, so you'll be up against "Team Schware". One mile is the most she can currently run at a time, so we'll be alternating between running and walking.

And if you get too close, I'll have her kick you in the shins (or elsewhere). That will be our "Not So Secret" weapon that will be included in her training over the next month.

Bernie O'Hare said...

Actually, Mike, that's what I'll be doing, too.

Anonymous said...

Bernie, OT didya notice that since Geeting now requires email addresses, no one comments on his blog?

Bernie O'Hare said...

My comments would be reduced, too.

Anonymous said...

I'm in.

--Owens

Anonymous said...

Hey Owens, why not stay in Easton and actually do some investigative reporting on Northampton county.

Bernie O'Hare said...

Come to the race and say it to his face, asshole.

Anonymous said...

Completely OT Headline - George Soros waltzes through a loophole in Dodd-Frank to avoid being regulated and examined.

Seems convicted criminals and market manipulators like Soros (twice convicted) would be the target of this legislation.

Another question - who pays Geeting again?

Jim Fiorentino said...

Bernie
I never knew of your Shenandoah roots. My Mom grew up in Mahanoy City! When did your family move to Hellertown?

Anonymous said...

Thank goodness, the less Bernie O'Hare that is around, the better. I am sure that the chairs in County council chambers will thank you! Even though they are cheap uncomforatable junk!

But seriously, I have been walking since I was 16, but never been a runner. It is good to see you try and shape up. Got to try and do it while you still can. My boyfriend had a stroke at the age of 36 in 2010 due to his unwillingness to take his health seriously. He was overweight, had high blood pressure and smoked! He hit the quad-fecta when he developed diabetes and that is what seems to me to have triggered his stroke. He is now partailly paralysed on one side and is a miserable f***, who still can't get his diabetes under control and blames everyone else in the world for his troubles. He thought that after 25 years of smoking and years of being overwight and unstable high blood pressure, the 3 months he spent prior to his stroke trying to be healthy should have been enough to prevent this from happening. His mood swings from his uncontorlled high blood sugar are scary and his behavior is unpredictable. He is angry and takes it out on me! I tried to get him to start walking with more for years before his stroke, but he wouldn't. NO guarantee that his stroke could have been avoided, but it seems like it was worth a try. Walking has not kept me healthy by itself, but it usually helps me feel better. Keep it up Bernie!

Anonymous said...

I am in no shape at all to run a 5K...run-walk maybe. The last 5K I did was about 15 yrs ago.

I am busy that day, but I may have to re-arrange to see this....someone needs to film it...I may volunteer.

Trish

Bernie O'Hare said...

Jim, my family was kicked out of Ireland for making bad whiskey. My Dad was from Shenandoah and my Mom from Turkey Run. My father liked to say, "No wonder they ran."

My Dad came to the LV after graduating from law school. There was no work in the coal regions, knot even for lawyers.

Bernie O'Hare said...

Anon 4:54, The way you describe things, that man may soon be your ex-boyfriend. As for mood swings, I am consistently a miserable bastard, whether heavy or slim.

Anonymous said...

In fairness to anon 1pm, He has a point.

Bernie O'Hare said...

Yeah, on his head with you.

Anonymous said...

I have a commpetitor for you, Dozer the dog, he ran a half marathon back on May 15, in Maryland to raise money for cancer in about 2 hours and 15 minutes to raise money for cancer. He has raised almost $20,000 since his little jaunt. Apparantly he forgot to register and bring his owner! Check out Dozer the dog fan page on Facebook. He was given a medal for his effort!