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Nazareth, Pa., United States

Friday, July 08, 2011

The Leeroy Jenkins of Northampton County

What if Northampton County Council played the World of Warcraft, a popular online game? This is what happened during a recent executive session, when they all took their laptops into the back room. Ron Angle becomes the amazing Leeroy Jenkins, and does battle against the Nature Conservancy. Naturally, everyone dies.
John Cusick: [talking to Council members outside cave] OK guys, these salamander eggs have given us a lot of trouble in the past, uh does anybody need anything off this guy or can we bypass him?

Mike Dowd: Uhh, I think Angle needs something from this guy.

Cusick: Oh, does he need those Devout Shoulders? Doesn't - isn't he a paladin?

Dowd: Yeah, but that will help him heal better, he'll have more mana.

Cusick: [sighs] Christ. OK, uhh well what we'll do, I'll run in first, uh gather up all the eggs, we can kinda just, ya know blast them all down with AOE. Um, I will use Intimidating Shout, to kinda scatter'em, so we don't have to fight a whole bunch of them at once. Uhh, when my Shouts are done, uhh, I'll need Mike Dowd to come in and drop his Shout too, uh so we can keep them scattered and not have to fight too many. Um, when his is done, Barb of course will need to run in and do the same thing. Uhh, we're gonna need Divine Intervention on our mages, uhh so they can, uhh, AE, uh so we can of course get them down fast, cause we're bringing all these guys, I mean, we'll be in trouble if we don't take them down quick. Uhh I think this is a pretty good plan, we should be able to pull it off this time. Uhh, what do you think Frank? Can you give me a number crunch real quick?

Frank Flisser (Council Clerk): Uhhh.. yeah gimme a sec... I'm coming up with thirty-two point three three, repeating of course, percentage, of survival.

Cusick: That's a lot better than we usually do, uhh, alright, you think we're ready guys? --


Leeroy Angle: All right chums, Thumbs up! Let's do this! LEEROOOOOOOY AAANGLEEEEE!!! [runs into cave]

-Short pause-

Flisser: [incredulous] ... Oh my God he just ran in. [runs in]

Cusick: Save him! Oh jeez, stick to the plan. Oh jeez, let's go, let's go! [follows]

- Angle is in front of everyone, charging into a room full of union bosses, Gracedale Goons and environmentalists. Salamanders, bald eagles and bog turtles begin their attack.

Barb Thierry [laughing]: Stick to the plan guys, stick to the plan!

Cusick: Oh jeez, oh fuck.

Dietrich: Gimme a Divine Intervention, hurry up.

Ann McHale: I can't cast! I can't move, am I lagging, guys? I can't move!

Cusick: What the — what the hell?

- Lamont McClure turns into a union boss and forces Flisser to join the AFLAFSCUSW. -

Peg Ferraro: I can't move!

John Cusick: Oh my God...

Dowd: The eggs keep respawning! More respawning!! Salamanders everywhere!

Thierry: I don't think you can cast with that shit on!

- McHale turns into a black widow and sinks her fangs into Dietrich. -

Leeroy Angle: We got em, we got em! I got it, I got it.

Dietrich: Take it off! Take it off! [muffled shouts]

Cusick: Stay down, Stay down. Oh my God..

- McHale spins Dietrich into a cocoon. -

Cusick: Goddamnit Angle! Goddamn it...

[Various others]: Yeah, Angle you moron, Leeroy! [various put-downs of Leeroy amongst group]

Cusick: Listen, this is ridiculous.

Dowd: You dumbass.

Leeroy: I'm on it.

- Angle grabs an egg, and salamanders slither out. A bog turtle snaps off his moustache. -

Cusick: I'm down, Ferraro down. Goddamnit. [shouting, then a pause, followed by other put-downs] Why do you do this shit, Leeroy?

Dietrich: Stoffa, rez us! Stoffa, rez us!

John Stoffa: I'm trying!

- Gracedale goons begin eating Stoffa. -

Leeroy [crying]: It's not my fault!

Cusick: Who's Soulstoned? We do have a Soulstone up, don't we? [everyone dies] Think I need a Soulstone?

Dowd: Yeah but you need a Warlock, and I'm a Minister.

Thiery [noticing everybody is dead]: ... Oh God...

Cusick: Oh for - [sighs] Great job! For Christ's sake! Leeroy, you are just stupid as hell.

Bruce Gilbert: Oh my God...

Leeroy: ... At least I have chicken...


Anonymous said...

Simply inspired Bernie....

Anonymous said...

Simply Stupid!

Anonymous said...

"If you want to rip into me and avoid the vulgarity, knock yourself out."

You are such a liar. Your pants must be on fire!

Anonymous said...

I have no idea what you are talking about and could care less.

Claudine Zuidema said...

i believe that he is alluding to the insanity that is norco

Anonymous said...

Thank you Bernie alternate personality number 10.

Zorn said...

the greedy union pukes are ruining norco

Anonymous said...

Who negotiates with the "greedy union pukes", Bernie. I mean Zorn.