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Nazareth, Pa., United States

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Humiliated at Allentown's ZHB

King Edwin I of Allentown reportedly has some new superpower that enables him, on his own, to grant variances, special exceptions, or whatever the hell he wants, to humble zoning applicants. He's already waved his magic wand and granted special favors to campaign contributors a few NIZ developers here and there. But nobody ever said anything about it until last night.

Pawlowski's super powers were finally challenged by someone who might actually have standing. Developer Abe Atiyeh, who owns a gazillion properties in the Queen City and is in the billboard biz, has challenged a zoning ordinance that will enable one of his competitors, a Pawlowski pal, to ignore the zoning hoops everyone else must jump through.

“This case is more than just about billboards,” said Abe Atiyeh in a news release before the hearing. “This is about open and honest government and fairness. With a stroke of a pen, the Mayor can allow anyone to skirt zoning regulations for any use and for any reason without even filing for an application or permit. There is no notice given to the public or an opportunity to be heard . . . And this isn’t a hypothetical issue. This is happening to our City now before our eyes. It has to be stopped before it’s too late.”

So I went. I think the Mayor is dispensing little favors here and there to his pals, and will have more about that tomorrow..

I was pleased to see a number of real reporters on hand, including Scott Kraus of The Morning Call, Colin McEvoy of The Express Times and Randy Kraft of WFMZ. Those are three of the best.

I wanted to catch up with Kraus. But he actually wanted to cover the hearing, so I decided to move up real close and get a better view myself.

That's when it happened.

Cr-a-a-ack! My ass went right through the frickin' seat and onto the floor.

"Blogger down, Code 10-00, Code 10-00," I yelled into my earpiece.

A trash truck arrived.

Everywhere I looked, people were laughing. Scott Kraus, Colin McEvoy, Randy Kraft, Mickey Thompson and Dave Harte all thought this was just hilarious.

This is not like a fart in church, where I can point to some innocent person in front of me and wave my hand, like he or she did it. There's no way I could blame this on anyone else.

But I tried.

"Pawlowski set me up," I said to Dan McCarthy, who chairs Allentown's ZHB.

He just shook his head sadly.

"And he just happened to know exactly where you'd sit," mocked a reporter whose name I will mercifully redact (Scott Kraus).

"That's right, smart ass, because he puts an addictive chemical in my food that controls where my ass goes," I explained.

Now that I'm home, I'm noticing all kinds of aches and pains in my ass and am constipated to boot.

So I'll probably sue the bastards.

That's how we roll in Northampton County.

I'll tell you about the hearing above. I just had to get this off my chest ass.


Anonymous said...

Have to say it, fat ass.

If the ass don't fit, you break the chair. Old proverb.

Anonymous said...

You might want to check for traces of Eye of Newt and Wart of Toad. Main ingredients in all witches brews. I guess she couldn't find any Hair of Bat to bring that 18-wheeler through the building, so she had to settle for the "Busted Ass" spell.

Anonymous said...

Structural failure of county-owned equipment. Public Safety issue. Retain a Lawyer.

Hugh Jass said...

Very surprising. Allentown's chairs have been supporting huge asses for generations.

Anonymous said...

3:36 Poster MISFIRED.
Actual proverb" "If one's ass does no fit, thou best not sit."

Bernie O'Hare said...

I'll bet Pawlowski sends me a bill.

Anonymous said...

Bernoe, this story gave me a good belly laugh as I had not had one like that for a long while¿ The picture rates right up the with the kings pompous picture. Wish I had been there sitting in the back with lou hershman but I am sure he was not there for the show at the ZHB because his intrest is in were the money goes and the only one with a nutsack larger is ms echenwalt¿


Been There/Done That said...

If a chair should happen to collapse on anyone again, on Public Property, @ a Public Meeting,..wait for the ambulance to remove you & then retain a Personal Injury Lawyer.


Anonymous said...

Baby has Back and back and back and back......

Bill said...

Not often in agreement with Abe, but he is 100% correct in what he is saying.