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Nazareth, Pa., United States

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Bloggers

When I was a kid, my brother and I were exiled to the third floor attic. We loved it! We had the whole floor to ourselves, away from our sisters, which was pretty cool. Our parents could not make a surprise visit without walking up the steps, which usually gave us time to hide things we weren't supposed to have. We never made our beds and our room was decorated with all kinds of half built car and plane models. We bought hundreds, but never actually completed one. We'd either use the wrong kind of glue or would refuse, out of general principle, to read the instructions. So instead of neat little planes hanging gracefully from strings on the ceiling, there would be wings and manifolds scattered everywhere amongst dirty underwear and socks.

We were juvenile delinquents. Want proof? We manufactured rockets by stuffing match heads into a fountain pen and lighting it up. We set our roof on fire doing that after one of our "rockets" nosedived into the shingles. We even managed to set a farmer's field ablaze after one of our gang members had the bright idea of seeing what would happen if we shot flaming arrows into the air. I think the statute of limitations has expired on that one.

My favorite stunt was taking these model pieces or plastic army men, and suspending them from spools of string right out our window. They would dangle a few feet above the street, where they would latch onto the antennas of passing cars. From the third floor attic, that spool would whir like the line from a harpoon hurled into Moby Dick. After a few brief seconds --- snap --- the car was free. The driver would slow down, having no idea what had just happened. His antenna would weave back and forth with a tiny plastic army guy attached.

Cop cars were the best. You see, they had gigantic antennas everywhere - front, top and back. Sometimes, we'd suspend a few models and soldiers at the same time, hoping to get really lucky. One day, we finally did. We nailed a Hellertown cop car pretty good. Unfortunately, he figured it out. We had a lookout in the grass across the street who was laughing so hard the cop saw him.

Busted. I remember being lectured about something, but the cop went easy on us, and my mom sent us to ... our room.

Despite this shady background, I knew one day things would get better. As a high school freshman, I decided to become a Navy fighter pilot. Things were going great until my Junior Year, when I discovered that I needed 20-20 uncorrected vision before the Navy would let me near a plane. I was 20-70 and that was that.

So after failing as a lawyer, I eventually became a blogger, a fighter pilot of the Internet. If your kids are getting into trouble and refuse to clean their rooms, they might be blogger material. Do you want that?

Well, I've got a suggestion. Instead of letting your babies grow up to be bloggers, some of them might be a little more interested in the Naval Academy or West Point.

LV Congressman Charlie Dent will host his annual U.S. Service Academy Information Day on Saturday, April 4 from 10 a.m. to 12 noon in the cafeteria at Parkland High School, 2700 N. Cedar Crest Blvd., Allentown.

High school students and their parents will be able to talk with Congressman Dent and representatives of the Air Force, Naval, Merchant Marine and Coast Guard Academies, the U.S. Military Academy at West Point and ROTC programs, to gain a better understanding of the nomination and admission process.

For more information, interested students can call Jason Lane or Michael Cary at Congressman Dent’s Lehigh Valley office, 610-861-9734.

Don't let your kids turn out like me!


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Great story/anology..


Bernie O'Hare said...


Anonymous said...

Great story/anology..


Tuesday Night Dates said...

Anon 3:41 is Bill Villa.

the good ole days said...

whatever happened to just shooting your friends in the arse with bb guns anymore?? lol

Unknown said...

Speaking of 'alter-egos", where Alfonso may have been afraid to speak his mind due to his "so-called" associations, I myself Don't give a _____! There will be more of me on a daily basis all over the blogosphere as well as on my own blog,
5minutes2shine.blogspot.com aka URBAN RENEWAL ! So, please, don't take MY kindness for weakness, because it's open season in my book!!! LOL!!!

- J.

Bernie O'Hare said...

Welcome, J! People call me kind, too. ... if I pay them.