An Unusual Will

From a recent Will probated in Northampton County:

"I direct that my remains be buried immediately. I don’t want to be embalmed or cut open for religious reasons. I don’t want no autopsy done. I just want to be buried and for a priest to pray over my body and soul to ask God to forgive me for my sins and for him to ask and pray for God to take my soul into heaven. Just make sure I have no pulse and that I’ve been dead for awhile, then bury me right away. I don’t want my body to be touched by Lehigh Valley hospitals, St. Luke’s hospitals, Sacred Heart hospital or anyone that works for or are affiliated with those hospitals. I want to be laid to rest in peace and quickly. I authorize my Executor to carry out these directions and wishes, particularly those for the disposition of my remains."

A Used Car Salesman's Will

As some of you know, I search real estate titles when people buy homes or land. If the person I'm searching is dead, I have to look at his or estate, including the Will. Over the years, I've seen some doozies. Last month, I decided to start sharing some of the more colorful final wishes. I started with "Poor Spunky," the tale of a Bethlehem Township woman whose Will left instructions that her dog, Spunky, be euthanized and buried with her.

Ruh roh.

This month, I'm going to tell you about an Allentown used car dealer who passed away with lots of property, and relatives, in both Northampton and Lehigh County. He had something to say to each of his heirs.

One son got 51% of his used car lot, but the other only got 49%, and that was conditioned on his not having "been convicted or pled [sic] guilty to a drug or drug related offense, regardless of severity." And this is what Dad told the 49% son. "If you were a real man you wouldn't have taken that other bitch to live with. You were married to one of the best women in the world."

To his daughter, whom he likes even less than his 49% son, he has these final loving thoughts. "I leave you only what you get because you are lazy and can't accept responsibility for anything."

He calls his brother as a "whoremaster," but then confesses he was one, too.

He leaves the bulk of his estate to his granddaughter, but warns her to stay away from his ex and his daughter. "We never had much of a relationship because of your mother and grandmother, both asses have to interfere. If you get married don't move in the house they will interfere."

This dude should have been a blogger. He was a used car salesman, so that's close.

Poor Spunky

Growing up, I looked forward every week to Art Linkletter's "Kids Say the Darndest Things." Now, I'm amazed by what the oldest geezers among us say when they draw up their Wills, which I have to read when searching titles. So from time to time, I'm going to share some of these final wishes with you.

My first entry involves the Will of a Bethlehem Township woman, who died last Summer. I'll keep her name out of it, but reading her Will reminded me of an ancient Pharoah, who would have a gazillion people killed on his death so they could join him in the afterlife. Fortunately, this woman was a widow when she drew her Will, so her husband was already in the beyond. But not poor Spunky.

This is what her Will provides.

"I direct that should my dog, Spunky, survive me, I wish Spunky to be euthanized, cremated and Spunky's ashes be placed in my coffin, if permitted by law. The maximum expense for this provision is $500 and must be done within five (5) days following my death."

Ruh roh.

Now if poor Spunky was on his last legs himself, maybe she was doing him a favor. But what if he was spunky?

Amazingly, a few lines below, she makes this provision, too.

"I give and bequeath the sum of $500 to the SPCA [Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals], of Northampton County, Easton, Pennsylvania."

I had to know what happened, so I called her estate's attorney. I better keep his name out of this, too. He tells me that he never had the ethical dilemma of deciding whether he should off her dog. Poor Spunky bit the dust soon after she drew her Will.

Maybe she read it to him.

Next week, I'll share the parting thoughts of an Allentown used car dealer.