He's the bastard who spray-painted nine cars outside Wal-Mart last week. He lit up the old Ranch House in Upper Nazareth Township. He's even spray-painted my jeep several times.
Nazareth Mayor Earl Keller is convinced the culprit must be a blogger. Police, of course, suspect skateboarders. Nazareth Borough Councilman Conrad Bowers has already appointed himself lead investigator. He plans to convert the skatepark into an internment camp for 'boarders while he gets interrogation tips from the CIA.
Keller, cops and Bowers are on the wrong track. I saw the real culprit last weekend from my window. He laughed hysterically as he spray-painted "Coach" all over my jeep ... again. I dashed outside with a golf club, but the old fart was too fast for me. He hopped on a skateboard, went about twenty feet to a nearby Caddy, and sped off in a shower of sparks. He even threw a firecracker at me as he roared off.
I called 911 and gave a detailed description, but was immediately committed. I think those little turds are in on it with the "coach." But they could only keep me 48 hours. I snapped a picture of this miscreant with my cellphone and have sent it to the FBI.
I can't wait to see the look on Northampton County Council Prez Grube's face when the feds ask him to pop his hood.