Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Nazareth Graffiti Artist Fingered

His tag is "Coach." If you live in or near Nazareth, you've seen his dastardly work.

He's the bastard who spray-painted nine cars outside Wal-Mart last week. He lit up the old Ranch House in Upper Nazareth Township. He's even spray-painted my jeep several times.

Nazareth Mayor Earl Keller is convinced the culprit must be a blogger. Police, of course, suspect skateboarders. Nazareth Borough Councilman Conrad Bowers has already appointed himself lead investigator. He plans to convert the skatepark into an internment camp for 'boarders while he gets interrogation tips from the CIA.

Keller, cops and Bowers are on the wrong track. I saw the real culprit last weekend from my window. He laughed hysterically as he spray-painted "Coach" all over my jeep ... again. I dashed outside with a golf club, but the old fart was too fast for me. He hopped on a skateboard, went about twenty feet to a nearby Caddy, and sped off in a shower of sparks. He even threw a firecracker at me as he roared off.

I called 911 and gave a detailed description, but was immediately committed. I think those little turds are in on it with the "coach." But they could only keep me 48 hours. I snapped a picture of this miscreant with my cellphone and have sent it to the FBI.

I can't wait to see the look on Northampton County Council Prez Grube's face when the feds ask him to pop his hood.

18 comments:

A.J. Cordi said...

Did he really get your jeep?

Bernie O'Hare said...

The truth is that no one has ever spraypainted my jeep. But Wayne Grube periodically stops at my jeep and leaves nasty notes about it being an eyesore and piece of junk. He's just jealous because he can't handle a stick shift.

Gort said...

Have you let the thing wander around on it's own lately?

Anonymous said...

Bernie, you are kind to use Waynes High School picture why not one taken in the 20th Century

LVDem said...

dude, good luck finding your tires this morning. I'll give you a hint on their location. Some guy name Tony took them. Not saying which one, but that should send you to the Reading area or to Hellertown I figure.

Bernie O'Hare said...

Looks like I have to start hiding the jeep again.

river said...

Bernie O'Hare said...
Bernie says."The truth is that no one has ever spraypainted my jeep. But Wayne Grube periodically stops at my jeep and leaves nasty notes about it being an eyesore and piece of junk. He's just jealous because he can't handle a stick shift. """"""""

geeez!! I hope I never have the misfortune of parking my 1987 Toyota next to Knobby's supercalalfragilistic car :):):)

river said...

It is amazing as you look at the pic of spray paint. it says "respect coach"... the true definition of an oxymoran

Anonymous said...

Ole Knobby moves pretty good for an 96 year old crumudgen.

Bernie O'Hare said...

He still has pretty good aim, too. he got me with that firecracker right in the schnozz.

J. Spike said...

Bernie does your Jeep have a "Ron Angle is Right" bumper sticker and half a Nader, LaDuke 2000 sticker on the front bumper?

J. Spike said...

Oh ansd PS some sorry ass punks slashed the tires on two dozen cars in Easton Heights on the 1100 blocks of jackson Street and Bushkill. Smashed a windsheild of a car by Uncle Wesley's.

Most cars had TWO slashed tires so that you needed a tow!!!!

Bernie O'Hare said...

Bernie does your Jeep have a "Ron Angle is Right" bumper sticker and half a Nader, LaDuke 2000 sticker on the front bumper?

As a matter of fasct, yes. I could never peel the damn things off.

Anonymous said...

Bernie.....you miserable bastard. You should thank the SOB for the improved paint job on your Jeep. Are you still showering in the courthouse bathroom?

Bernie O'Hare said...

Nah. Today, the judges' fountain was working so I hopped in. Actually, they think the pipes froze but I think my body hair clogged the pipes.

J. Spike said...

Who the hell did you buy the Jeep from that they listen to John Wayne Gacey and licked Nader???

I saw you once at the former Corbin Johns lst summer.

Anonymous said...

That is the EXACT same picture as the picture in this link, look at the shadows, the coulds, anything, it is the exact same except for thsi somehow mysteriously has the wor COACH on it?

http://nocnews.blogspot.com/2007/07/graffiti-respect.html

Bernie O'Hare said...

Yes, This story is a spoof. I took that pic from Ross' blog and inserted the word "coach" and blamed it all on Grube.