Friday, December 22, 2006

Latest Victim of Global Warming - Santa Claus

(I originally posted this story in early May, but it seems more appropriate now).
NORTH POLE - Global warming claimed its latest victims this weekend when Santa Claus and his entire team of reindeer fell through thinning ice at the North Pole, plunging to watery deaths. President Bush did send condolences to Mrs. Claus, but disputed claims that global warming caused St. Nick's demise. "Let's face it, Santa was fat. I loved the guy, but he was no Lance Armstrong. Maybe he should have spent a little less time eating Christmas cookies, and a little more time riding a mountain bike. Besides, the science is not in on whether the globe is warming."

Homeland Security officials actually breathed a sigh of relief. Secretary Chertoff explained, "This guy in a goofy red suit was dropping stuff off at millions of homes every year without so much as a 'how do you do' to customs. How do we know he wasn't dropping chickens infected with Avian flu? Ever think about that? Ho. Ho. Ho. What's so funny about that? And what's up with all that peeping through bedroom windows at little kids?"

ExxonMobil reacted to the news by immediately dispatching oil exploration teams. Drilling is expected in the next month, and oil industry officials predict big savings at the pump, possibly as much as a penny per gallon. One energy expert noted, "We don't have to worry about preserving reindeer habitat with Santa out of the way. Now they're as useless as an appendix." When asked about the dwindling polar bear population, an oil industry official said, "That's why we have zoos. And if people really need to see white bears, we can just grab a few grizzlies and spray paint 'em. Conservationists must learn to think outside the box."

Most world leaders did express grief, but this sentiment was by no means universal. Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, for example, released the following remarks: "I dance on his grave - Santa Claus is a silly myth - we will wipe the North Pole off the map - right after we're done with Israel - arrrghh." Tehran officials privately acknowledged that Ahmadinejad was miffed after being placed on Santa's "naughty" list last year.

21 comments:

Mad batter said...

Timely? Yes, Original? No!!!
You plagiarize your own work?!
You are one lazy Repub;ican O'Hare!

Bernie O'Hare said...

I don't think I can plagiarize myself. Admit it, King of the blogosphere, I just kicked your ass.

Bernie O'Hare said...

I do admit to being lazy and am getting getting help for that other problem.

bwsnyder said...

The tombstone in the picture says 1836-2000 which means it was Global Warming under Clinton's watch and not Bush's that caused Santa to fall through the melted ice.

LSTresidentPIA said...

Grown men and women believing in Santa, what is the world coming to? When in your old age your rottening teeth start falling out, are you going to put them under your pillow and expect the tooth fairy to leave you money to buy some dentures. Until the day the house cleaning fairy shows up at my house I will refuse to believe...

Bernie O'Hare said...

To Bwsnyder, Leave it to Rs to be so damn picky. I never let the facts get in the way

Bernie O'Hare said...

LST, Now you're gettin' a big lump of coal, sista'.

LSTresidentPIA said...

Coal, that's better than what I usually get-NOTHING I can at least use it to keep warm! HO HO Humbug....

Mad batter said...

I don't need both of my legs to kick your Angle loving ass! Casey sucker punched you for your bad driving, that was more original than this! Write something original, bald boy, or is the pressure too much, and making your nose swell?!!

Bernie O'Hare said...

All these taunts from some dude who shot himself in the ass? Angle has read every post submitted and declares me the winner. Actually, he can't read, but he says I still win.

Interesting, but you never really came up with a mechanism to determine which essay is best.

I think an online poll on TrueDems is the fairest way after all entries are in.

Bernie O'Hare said...

And MadBatter, I just emailey Billy Givens about yur little contest. If he decides to wrote something, we're all done.

Mad batter said...

Oh great, a 30 page dirge about how when he fought developers to savr Christmas for the Indians, omly to have them all swindled out of their land, and taking the trail of tears to Oklahoma, where they got swindled again. Merry Christmas Tonto, Lone Ranger say "Sit on Banana!

Bernie O'Hare said...

OK, I'll put up a poll on TrueDems right after Christmas. Gort has an entry now, too. But I warn you, King of ther Bloggies, that Billy will defeat us all if he focuses and writes his own little parody. Plus we haven't yet heard from a few others like LVDem or LVAddict or the Curmudgeon.

Anonymous said...

Gort did a really nice job!

Bernie O'Hare said...

Thanks, Gort.

Gort said...

At 1:46PM today I was out fighting the mall wars so I didn't post that comment.Thank you to whoever did. Just to set the record straight I am not the Mean Old Man. I'm not nearly that crazy or funny.

Bernie O'Hare said...

Sorry, Gort. Couldn't resist.

Antisanta said...

Merry Frickin' Humbug to you all...

Bernie O'Hare said...

Thanks, antisanta

antisanta said...

Ho, Ho, Friggin' Ho...

Doctor Rick said...

Santa has satellite locales across the globe. I can tell you where he isn't...