What Will LV Pols Be Doing Next Year?

You may not know this, but many of our local pols and other luminaries teach or conduct local lecture series. The following is a rundown of some of the classes and seminars under consideration next year, as well as a few predictions.

By popular demand, Northampton County Bulldog Ron Angle will start selling will form kits. "My dad had a bunch of them lying around, so I figured I might as well make a few bucks," the Bulldog explains. "You don't need witnesses or anything." Asked if that might present problems during probate, he replies, "Fuck them. Just appeal."

Bethlehem Mayor John Callahan will teach "Five-point Accounting for Everyone." "The plan is a simple one," he assured me. "It starts with Point 3, which is premised on Point 4, I mean 2, and Point 7 through 9 pay for Point 1.3, and then you ..." Business Administrator Dennis Reichard has already flunked out, but said, "It's not like anyone's going to jail."

LV Congressman Charlie Dent will resign to launch his new career as a professional paddle-ball player.

Julio "I speak three languages" Guridy will open Julio's Elocution School. "I'll be talking about many tings along the bitches of Cedar Creek," he explains. Lou Hershman is Dean Emeritus.

Norco Exec John Stoffa and Bethlehem City Council Prez Bob Donchez might conduct a seminar in Assertiveness Training, as long as it offends nobody. "I haven't made up my mind yet," Stoffa tells me. "Someone else might want to do it," chimes in Donchez. "Hey, how about birdhouses?" asks Stoffa.

Former Head Start kid John Callahan will offer a Five-Point Seminar on Clear Speaking. "It's a simple plan," he explains. "Point 3 comes immediately before Point 7, followed by Point 1.6, after which you ..."

State Rep. Joe Brennan will become a part-time driving instructor as soon as his car gets out of the body shop. "It's a few minor repairs. Hardly visible. Can't even see the damage from that bus I rear-ended yesterday, or the nun who is still getting peeled off my grille."

Jake Towne will finally answer, "Who is Jake Towne?"

He's the Batman.

Glenn "Commissioner No" Eckhart will offer the Pentagon the use of his head as a tactical nuclear missile. "I don't really use it," he quips.

Commissioner Percy Dougherty will shock the word by announcing his moustache is fake.

Charles "Don't call me Charlie" Dertinger will conduct a "How to Win Elections" lecture series. Walt Garvin, Lorraine Pasquale and Hillary Kwiatek have already registered.

State Rep. Jenn Mann, who moonlights as a consultant with state contractor Vitetta, will conduct a seminar with freshman representatives on the importance of ethics.

Bethlehem City Council member Wee Willie Reynolds will star in a remake of Nesferatu and is writing a book - "You Can Have a Hot Girlfriend, Too!"

Allentown Mayor Edwin Pawlowski will offer a powerpoint home improvements presentation - "The Perfect Mancave - from Permit to Hot Tub."

Allentown City Council Prez Mike D'Amore and Norco Controller Steve Barron will team up again and visit all T-Mobile call centers on the Eastern Coast, demanding managers to speak to them ... or else.

I will write the foreword to the latest edition of "How to Make Friends and Influence People."