Pat-down Searches at Easton's K-Mart? Does K Stand for Kinky?

Ever get searched? It happens to me all the time. Whenever I travel, I'm usually the one who's singled out for special treatment. I've been getting it at the courthouse a lot lately, too, and those guys don't even wear gloves! I can't really blame these folks. Look at my profile picture. I'd search me, too. If it makes just one judge feel a little safer, I'll happily bend over. But now there's a report that K-Mart on 25th Street in Easton (Wilson Borough) is actually searching customers when they leave the store.

I learned this hosting Angle's WGPA 1100 AM talk radio show on Monday. Angle was serving a one-day suspension for flipping off Jolly Joe Timmer, and I was activated for the day. One of my first calls was from a fellow who insisted security guards at Easton's K-Mart were physically searching customers leaving the store. Some women, who didn't like having their breasts touched, were complaining. Is KMart replacing blue light specials with red light behavior?

I figured I should check this out. It's what Angle, LVDem or Lehigh County Redneck would do. I'm almost as tough as them. So after the show, I coaxed my stubborn jeep along Freemansburg Avenue, and it coughed its way to Martha Stewart Everyday. Sure enough, a man in a blue unifom lurked at the exit, waiting to feel me up.

I approached with caution, carefully covering my family jewels with a toothpick, and decided to confront the perv.

"Hey, buddy."

"Why hello there, sailor!"

"Do you search people leaving this store."

"Not unless you ask, big boy." (Wink wink).

I was getting nowhere fast with this guy. He was obviously a former congressional page. I decided to see the head of security, and find out what's really going on.

Kmart's security chief told me she's "sure" KMart guards have done no unauthorized groping. But how the hell could she know that? Unless she physically stands next to a guard, she's really just guessing. And to be honest, these guards don't look like the best-trained fellows I've seen. In fact, I don't think they've had any training at all. As I made these points, the store manager jumped out from behind a Martha Stewart poster and told me they were answering no more of my stupid questions. If I wanted any more information, I'd have to call headquarters.

So that's what I did. KMart HQ is where the big decisions are made for the nation's number three retailer, like its decision to buy clothing from sweatshops, where women are abused worldwide. I was hoping to get Martha on the line, but she must have been baking cookies or something.

Late Monday, someone from corporate offices actually gave me a prepared statement: "We have no record of a complaint but we don't tolerate that type of treatment and we've brought it to the attention of the third party security company." Translation? "You can't prove a frickin' thing and even if you could you can't sue us because our security is supplied by a third party and we don't care if they're nitwits as long as they're cheap. Drop dead, bozo." I speak corporation.

Women don't feel right when groped by a stranger, even if he wears a uniform. They're funny that way. It's called sexual assault. And as the number of pat-down searches has increased, complaints have soared as well. Unfortunately, most women are reluctant to complain publicly about this invasion of their privacy and private parts. I think KMart is trying to save a few bucks by hiring a security company that does not have a trained staff. And one or two of these fellows just might be copping a feel here and there on unsuspecting customers. Talk to one of the guards and you'll see what I mean. I'm sure this is no biggie to KMart, considering what happens to women in the sweatshops where their clothing is manufactured.

As I left Easton's K-Mart, the guard did not search me. But he did blow me a kiss. So I gave him Angle's number and told him to call after 9. That dude has a future in politics!