A Brief History of My Life

Though you must often think otherwise, I actually do have some friends. One of them, on the occasion of my upcoming 39th birthday, has written a mostly accurate biography of my life. I thought I'd share it with you. I'd like to identify this raconteur, but he has threatened to pull monkeys out of my ass if I do.

Friends, I realize I'm a little early here, but I'd like you all to remember to wish Bernie O'Hare a very happy, and special birthday this weekend. On Sunday, June 18, Bernie will turn 666 years old, and I'm sure you all understand the significance of that milestone for one of his....I don't know...is species the right word? Hell, we'll go with that: species. Since most of us only know Bernie as our colorful local blogger, I thought I’d add some little known facts about his earlier life.

Born in the year 1351 A.D., in the wee village of Bally Focáil Leat, County Feisigh do Thoin Fein, Bernie was predeceased by his parents, a humble shepherd, and a prized Galway sheep. As an orphan, Bernie was initially raised by the local parish priest, a man known for his kind heart and remarkably poor judgment. When the inevitable exorcisms failed, Bernie was run out of the village, and eventually expelled from Ireland. As a result of this, he naturally chose to practice law.

Wanderlust took the (relatively) young O’Hare, and he travelled the world as an itinerant attorney, making stops in London in 1665, Vienna in 1679, and Sweden in 1710. Advances in both European weapons technology and pubic hygiene standards, however, eventually led Bernie to the New World, landing in Pennsylvania in 1763.

A proud veteran, Bernie served the military in the Revolutionary War (U.S.A), the Civil War (C.S.A), the Great Sioux War of 1876 (U.S.A., Lakota, and Shoshone), World Wars I, II, and III (he doesn’t like to talk about the latter), and the Korean Conflict (DPRK). As a soldier, Bernie was primarily responsible for shooting the wounded.

Pictures of Bernie are hard to come by, as he doesn’t really show up on film, but I’ve managed to locate some old woodcuts of Bernie in his youth. The first is of Bernie litigating in front of some villagers, the second of him at a window, accepting a fee from some grateful clients.

Happy Birthday, you Magnificent Bastard