Jim Hickey Should Be Exiled.

Jim Hickey

Last week, former Northampton County Administrator Jim Hickey entered a guilty plea to two counts in a federal corruption case aimed at Allentown Mayor Edwin "Fed Ed" Pawlowski and Reading's former Mayor, Vaughn Spencer. Under the deal, he could be sentenced to 18 months in the slammer. But I know Hickey, and he's a miserable bastard like me. He can do 18 months standing on his head while monkeys throw shit balls at him. He'd probably even like it and ask for more time. Jailing him is the worst thing the feds could do. He's a frickin' Druid, for Christ's sake! A Merlin! The last place to put him is in a prison where he will unite the Aryan Brotherhood, Crips and Nuestra Familia into an unholy alliance that will make the Penguin look like a boy scout.

Do what should Judge Sanchez do? A firing squad would be more appropriate, but bullets just go right through him. The best bet would be to exile him to a despised country like New Jersey, provided a steady supply of priests are on hand for the inevitable exorcisms that will be necessary for the rest of the population.

Hickey's very surname should tip you off. It's an Anglicization of the Gaelic ilchruthach, which means he comes from a long line of shape shifters. He could be Glenn Reibman one minute, Don Cunningham the next, then himself.

Hickey got his start in the US Navy, where he wrote safety manuals on how to avoid accidents on the high seas. While there, he met his wife Carla in a discussion about, of all things, Irish writer James Joyce.

I first got to know him when he was Glenn Reibman's Director of Administration. I'd pass by him on my way inside. He'd be outside by his Death Star, smoking seven cigarettes simultaneously with two cell phones going off nonstop and all kinds of wires coming out of his head.

He and I were on opposite sides during the debate over Reibman's $110 million bond. A group of five citizens that included yours truly challenged it in court, and won.

It was the first time in my life that anyone took me seriously.

Hickey's response? A $111 million bond. We fought that one, too, but lost.

During this debate, Hickey and I clashed constantly. In his Jim Hickey Belongs in the Hall of Fame column, The Morning Call's Bill White mentions one profanity-laced tirade that Hickey directed at me in the hallway outside a Council meeting. In fact, Council stopped the meeting so they could listen to it.

Me: I'll never join you!
Hickey: If you only knew the power of the Dark Side. Ron Angle never told you what happened to your father.
Me: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!
Hickey: No. I am your father.
Me: No...no. That's not true. That's impossible!
Hickey: Search your feelings, you know it to be true!
Me: Noooo! Nooooo!

Then he cut off my arm and threw me off the courthouse roof, which explains why the parking lot needed work.

After one particularly nasty session, I gut a call from him early one morning. He was fishing, and thought of me for some reason.

Maybe he was cleaning his catch.

But he and I became friends.

As I got to know him better, I learned that Hickey is very loyal to his friends, even when it hurts him. One of those friends was Mike Fleck. I know him to be honest, so much so that he turned down two bribes while in the public arena. He is also brutally honest with people. One day he told me, "I think I've finally gone too far."

"Why?"

"I just told Judge Moran to go fuck himself."

Gotta' agree there, but that's Jim. He likes to talk badass, which is probably why the feds were so hot for him.

But the truth is completely different. 

He and his wife Carla have raised three fine sons, which really is the ultimate achievement. He goes to their football games, even the ones in Canada.

Newspapers throughout the state should have pooled resources to contribute to his defense, if only because a trial would have resulted in a supply of colorful quotes that could be used until the next century. But here in America, justice is available only to those with money or a good lawyer. Hickey has no money. He spent it all on campaign contributions. He was lucky enough to get a good lawyer. But the feds knew it and were trying to disqualify him.

He is a good man,and I am honored to call him my friend. 

I'm a Dirty, No Good, Liar

Yesterday, I told you about Jim Hickey, Northampton County's former Director of Administration, and his "five questions" interview with Express Times editor Joe Owens. I told you Hickey called the county's 2001 bond was a horrible mistake. "I should have listened to O'Hare and Angle. Those assholes really know what they're talking about. Especially O'Hare."

I lied.

Yesterday, Hickey threw me off the courthouse roof again, and promised to use me as part of the fill for the new courthouse parking deck unless I come clean. Actually, Hickey considers that 2001 bond as Glenn Reibman's greatest achievement. "I think we're seeing the economic benefits from that throughout the county and I think you're also seeing the vindication of Glenn Reibman's decision to pursue that bond."

Nothing would make me happier than being proved wrong about that bond. I just don't see those 30,000 jobs that Reibman promised, and I've been looking everywhere.

Jim Hickey Talks About Flaming Monkeys Again

"When Flaming Monkeys Fly Out My Ass!"

That's when former Northampton County Director of Administration will run for public office. He also claims Don Cunningham will be the next Guv' and Barack Obama will be the next prez. Finally, he admits the county's 2001 bond was a horrible mistake. "I should have listened to O'Hare and Angle. Those assholes really know what they're talking about. Especially O'Hare"

Doubt me? You can hear the original Miserable Bastard yourself, thanks to Express Times editor Joe Owens and his "Five Questions" segment at Lehigh Valley Live.

$37.5 Million Parking Deck Proposed in Northampton County

It was a packed house. Northampton County Council Finance Committee meetings as usually as entertaining as watching paint dry. Yet twenty-four people and seven council members were present yesterday. That has to be some kind of record.

Sitting in the peanut gallery was former Director of Administration Jim Hickey. He was right next to the current Director, John Conklin, giving him nasty lessons.

Hickey took one look at me and asked, "Who's the father?"

I took the high road and tried ignoring the miserable bastard, moving to the other side of the room. But when Hickey's project was presented, I had to move back so I could see a fancy power point presentation.

Budget Administrator Doran Hamann - there because of the proposed rebate - turned around when I plopped down. He saw Hickey, inexplicably smiled, and asked, "Do you miss us?"

"Like VD," was Jim's sensitive response.

Hickey was actually at this finance committee meeting on a matter very important to anyone who works at or near the courthouse.

Parking.

As anyone who travels to the courthouse will readily attest, there is none. I usually park in one of the judge's spots, so it doesn't bother me. But things are about to get a lot worse. The county's parking deck is 32 years old and has been falling apart the last few years. Its estimated remaining life? Two years. Repairs will cost over $6 million, which translates to $34,000 per parking space. After repairs, it will be necessary to do patch work at least every other year.

Hickey's engineering firm, CMX, was hired to study the county's parking problems and propose a solution. According to CMX, there are currently 803 parking spaces in the lots and public streets around the courthouse. CMX proposes building a new, seven story, parking deck along the south side of Washington Street, near the Milides building recently purchased by the county.

This new parking deck would include, on its ground floor, a new archives, IT and maintenance facility. It would expand parking to 1597 available spaces, at a cost of $18-22,000 per space. It would have a lifespan of fifty to sixty years. Once built, the existing parking deck would be demolished, giving the county much-needed room for prison or courthouse expansion.

Council prez Ann McHale likes the idea of expanding the prison into the existing parking deck "instead of taking property off the tax rolls in Bethlehem Township." Council member Neiper questioned the wisdom of moving archives into the ground floor of a parking garage, and county exec Stoffa indicated he was willing to listen to other ideas.

Total cost, with all the bells and whistles, is projected at a whopping $37.5 million, to be financed by a bond.

It's worth it. It solves a long-term parking problem and gives county facilities a home on its ground floor. Even more importantly, it will now be possible to expand both prison and courthouse without interfering with any of Easton's neighborhoods.

Update: Thanks to The Express Times and Morning Call, I know my report concerning project cost is off. Total cost is $33.75 million,and not $37.5 million as I've reported. Shoot me.

The Miserable Bastard Theme Song

If there was ever a theme song for miserable bastards, this is it. The lyrics must have come from Jim Hickey. It's funny, but don't play it around your kids.

Is Jim Hickey Making a Return to Norco Government?

Every county exec needs one if he expects to get anything done. He might be called Director of Administration or Chief of Staff, but he's really the hatchet man. He does the dirty work. He takes out the trash.

Jim Hickey, Glenn Reibman's former first officer, was by far the best and most colorful of these miserable bastards. Personally, I think he went a little too far when he once threw me off the courthouse roof, but no one can deny his effectiveness.

Northampton County Exec John Stoffa is in dire need of someone with Hickey's unusual talents. He's struggled for nine months with no point man to deal with a greedy court, a cantankerous council, and employees on the verge of revolt. It's simply too much for one man, no matter how well-intentioned.

Saturday's Express Times tells us that Stoffa finally has a new tough guy in mind, and will publicly disclose his nomination at a personnel committee meeting on October 18.

Now I have no idea who this person may be. But at dawn on Friday, the day that Stoffa must have said something to the Express Times, a battlestar suddenly appeared in darkened skies over the courthouse. It ejected a pod that landed at the rotunda, where it remained motionless for several hours.

After several hours, the pod finally opened, and a scowling figure emerged.

Jim Hickey was in the house.

If he's not the actual nominee, I suspect he may have something to do with it. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to check out my emergency parachute.

Update: On his WGPA 1100 AM radio show this morning, Angle burst my bubble. According to Angle, Stoffa's new number one is not Hickey, but actually is someone from Florida.