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Nazareth, Pa., United States

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Remains Removal With A Touch of Class

Whenever I'd complain to my Drill Sergeant about anything, his constant refrain was "Life's a bitch and then you die." Every now and then, he'd add, "Then things get easier. People carry you wherever you have to go." Damn if that bastard wan't right!

Yesterday, Council approved Coroner Zach Lysek's request to hire two companies for remains removal. They'll get between $200 and $230 a pop. They'll charge extra for the plus sizes among us.

According to the Coroner, who assured me I am still alive, "Most people don't die on the first floor by the front door." From now on, that's where I'll be sleeping. I figure that way I'll be immortal.

Believe it or not, one of these gigs was awarded to an auto detailing biz on S. 27th Street called a Touch of Class. They'll move your mass, but with a touch of class. Might even throw in a shine.


Anonymous said...

They pick up your mangled body parts in a stretch limo. Sweet!

Anonymous said...

Shouldn't NorCo have a single hauler?

Anonymous said...

I support a single hauler, also. We don't need all kinds of limos cruising around with corpses and parts thereof. A single hauler is a no-brainer.

Bernie O'Hare said...

Hey, this could be a hot issue in the Exec race.

Montague Tazewell said...

Ah, yes, A Touch of Class. Owned by a Palmer Township firefighter. No cronyism there, right? I remember this guy charging a fire department a premium for product purchases, and it was even higher than the factory MSRP.

I think his guy works as a paver too. Maybe he'll just roll over the dead bodies and provide instant burials. How classy is that?

Anonymous said...

Every contratc in old Northampton County is a crony deal. Ask about the Mohr contracts just under the required reoported $25K, that Stoffa has given to his buddy over the years.

Bernie O'Hare said...

Glenn, I believe it is illegal to break up a contract like that to avoid approval. And i have seen the Stoffa admin seek Council approval on contracts that are below the threshold. So although I don't know the exact circumstances concerning Mohr, my guess is that you're full o shit. Take a nap.