Making it inside the stadium is no problem this time of the year. Nobody notices a grappling hook.
If caught, I would simply tell stadium officials I had an appointment with Ferrous, but nobody noticed me as I slowly made my way to the party.
At least that's what I thought. I had almost made it to the door, where the aroma of burgers beckoned, when I felt this sharp jolt in the ass. I was tased.
"Hey, I'm white and I'm not a little girl," I complained as I went down like a ton of bricks, thinking that Allentown Police Officer Jason Ammary had finally caught up with me. But it was no rogue cop. It was much worse.
I had fallen into the clutches of Evil Shawn Millan, who was lying in wait for Democrats
"Bernie, is that you? Shit man, I thought it was Lisa Boscola. Why didn't you tell me you were coming? I would have given you a ticket."
Millan escorted me to a locker room where some dude with a Sandusky name tag carefully pulled out the barbs and invited me to take a shower. Then I joined the party, rubbing my ass, looking for paydirt.
But nobody was talking politics. Not Tom Carroll. Not Tony Simao. Not Dean Browning They were actually watching the Eagles and getting pictures with former Eagles' great Jon Runyan. Like most good offensive linemen, he looks like an altar boy (a very big one), but is supposed to have been one of the dirtiest players on the field.
Now he's a Congressman.
When Charlie saw me, he introduced me to 6'7" (he started in the NFL at 6'9") Runyan, who probably broke my hand when he shook it. Although Runyan technically was elected, he was actually drafted to Congress by both party leaders in their never-ending quest to defeat capitol police in that annual congressional football game.
As an Eagle, Runyan started in 190 consecutive regular season games until he took an inadvertent knee to the back of the head by fellow teammate and TE Brent Celek. That topic came up yesterday, when Celek hauled in five catches for a career-high 156 yards as well as a touchdown in Eagles' mauling of the Jets.
Like Dent, Runyan is both affable and down-to-earth, seemingly unaware of his intimidating presence. Fortunately, he's a gentle giant, at least off the field.
Though a Republican, he raises donkeys, and tells me they're much smarter than horses. I told him that, as a blogger, I've become something of an expert on jackasses myself, and we exchanged a few pointers.
In addition to Charlie and Runyan, an army of kids was running throughout the stadium, and chasing after them was none other than Pam Dent, Charlie's very pretty wife. I got to meet her, too.
Then she tased me.
