Thursday, January 29, 2009

Confessions of a Moron

PhotobucketI always get antsy this time of year. You see, my Jeep inspection is due the end of January. That's no simple thing for a rust bucket with over 200,000 miles. This year, I've been plagued by lights that suddenly burn out. What's really weird is that it all happened over the course of one week. The moment I'd replace one, another would suddenly die. Most mechanics can't stop laughing when they see my ride, so I end up doing a lot of the minor stuff myself. But I'm an idiot when it comes to anything mechanical, so it takes forever.

To replace bulbs, I've spent about forty hours freezing my ass off, with an owner's manual in one hand and screw driver in another. Always the wrong kind of screwdriver. Invariably, I'd lose half the screws and end up making multiple trips to the hardware store because I also get the wrong replacements. Now my brother, who is mechanically gifted, would gladly do this stuff in about thirty seconds. But how hard can it be to change a light? Pretty damn hard. I've spent most of a week crawling around on my hands and knees looking for what I've dropped.

I also needed new tires this year, too. I got a great price on four beauties a few weeks ago. But when I went to get them installed this week, the tire dealer told me he's fresh out, and suggested I scout around for some decent used tires until the new ones arrive.

I ended up buying my tires from some dude who is in all kinds of trouble with Easton over the thousands of tires he has stored all over the place. I guess it's an eyesore, so the suits shut his shop down. I had to meet the used tire salesman on a corner somewhere. I also had to produce cash, which he carefully counted before giving me the tires. I half-expected some vice cop and Mayor Panto to pop up out of nowhere and shout, "Freeze!"

After scoring from the tire pusher, I went to the tire guy, only to learn nails were embedded in two of my new used tires. I called my pusher, but he just snorted "I'm going to have to charge you extra for the nails. Aha, ha, ha, ha." Then he hung up.

Finally, everything was ready for inspection, and it actually went smoothly. I got my new stickers a few days before the end of the month and was feeling pretty good. Even three unpaid parking tickets in the mail, which I collect the way most kids collect baseball cards, could not dampen my spirits. I was very responsible. My Jeep is inspected and registered.

I popped on my PC to insult a few commenters and suddenly, I had a new problem. Did my PC break down? No. ISP having trouble? Nah. So why can't I blog?

Well, if my phone service is disconnected, so is my access to the net. I've been wondering why I've received no bills lately. Unfortunately, Verizon has still been sending them. I found that out the hard way, at 5:30 PM yesterday. The phone police just cut off my access to the world. By the time I figured out what had happened, found the phone company's phone number, called from my cell, and went through all kinds of recordings, I learned their offices were already closed for the day.

So now I had to drive my newly inspected Jeep to the Cyber Cafe in Tatamy and pay $10 to get online and take care of that bill. While there, I was told my phone would probably not be back in action for a few days. So I paid another $10 and drafted a post to explain what had happened, set to publish at midnight. Then I popped back in my newly inspected Jeep and slid all over the black ice on my new used tires until I finally made it back home.

When I opened the door, the phone was ringing.

I am a moron.


An Exorcist said...

Welcome to the club! By the way, your membership dues are past due. Please get them to the secretary as soon as possible. Can you image get thrown out of The Moron Club?

Peace be with you, ~~Alex

gsbrace said...

oye! Parking tickets. I think I'll have my next citation forwarded to you.

Anonymous said...

where'd you get the picture of levi price?

Anonymous said...

Ah, O'Hare made a picture of his sex dream!

J. SPIKE ROGAN said...


That should be your blogger profile pic. ( I mean the hip Jesus is not you. When did you have a beard?)

And well Prince Charles was a insult to your Irish roots.

This pic is totally you!

And isn't "Confessions of a Moron" the working title of former President George W. Bush's memoirs?

Anonymous said...

Bernie... thank goodness you only bought tires. An undercover agent bought two hubcaps down there a few months ago and boy, did it get ugly !!! :):):):):):)

Chris Miller said...

You need a wife