Easton Y's Hot Firecracker 4-Miler

These guys were busy

Around 300 runners and walkers braved the soaring temperatures to participate in the Easton Family's YMCA Firecracker 4-miler on July 4. Nobody died, although many of us thought we had. Despite an 8:30 AM start and a very flat course, the heat made the race a challenge. One participant did keel over, although that might be the old lady I pushed.

Who won?

I can give you some bullshit about everyone being a winner, but I won. I think I ran the race in about three minutes. Backwards.

Actually, I finished somewhere in the middle of the pack after hiding in the bushes while everyone else ran.

Bethlehem City Council member J. Willie Reynolds finished in a blistering 26 minutes, good enough to place second in his age group (12 and under). He was unable to stay for the awards ceremony, so I took his trophy and am selling it on e-Bay.

High bidder so far is Tony Simao.

Northampton County Recorder of Deeds Ann Achatz talked me into this very bad decision. Not only did I nearly hurl in the final mile, but I missed Nazareth's kazoo parade.

One of the race participants was this Obamaphile. Now that's dedication!

After we finished running, it was a "fun" run for the kids. I think they went about 8 miles. No shade, either. I stole their trophies, too.

Actually, the kids had a blast, and that's the race I should have run. There were balloons and ribbons and everything. I might have won that race. Besides, there were about 1000 volunteers like these lovely ladies. I could have asked them for help.

After the race was over, Accucare Chiropractic gave out a few free massages. Patti was unable to keep her hands off me.

Below, you'll see me (in my third T-shirt) with Ann's husband, John, and their niece.

Bury My Heart at the Wounded Warrior 5K

Heartless bastard confirmed!

Actually, that's the one thing the paramedic from Cetronia Ambulance was unable to find. I have no heart, which explains why I'm a blogger. But even a heartless bastard like me was unable to resist a 5k to benefit our local veterans and their loved ones.

Keystone Wounded Warriors, an organization that honors the sacrifices made by our men and women in the military, hosted today's first-ever Wounded Warrior 5k in Upper Macungie's Lone Lane Park. Over 300 people participated and were rewarded with water, bananas and ... hot dogs.

Race coordinator Sam Johnson, who runs Allentown's Marine Corps Reserve Center, was "ecstatic" about the turnout. Race proceeds will help Pennsylvania's returning vets make the transition into civilian life.  

Alvin the tool dog

Alvin the tool dog, a 3 year-old Golden Retriever therapy dog, ran the race. He's famous for fetching different tools. I caught him in the third mile, where I shouted, "Go get the screwdriver!." Alvin dragged owner Steve Hujsa off the course and I slipped by them both.

All's fair in love and 5ks.

But one runner I was unable to catch was Breinigsville's 10 year old Drew Kloss. In his first ever race, he finished in 26:28, about 30 seconds ahead of me.

"How did you do it?" I asked.

"Probably my mom," Drew responded, as he and his sister chowed down on very healthy hot dogs and potato chips.

You could tell this was a military 5k. The flat course was clearly marked about every three inches, and the volunteers all called me "Sir," which caused me to turn around a lot.  

You don't have to run these 5ks. You can walk, and most of you will probably beat me.

St. Luke's Half Crazy Half Marathon: From the Inside

You couldn't ask for a better day. Crisp temperatures. Light breeze. A sun that steadily grew stronger and warmer. Great running weather.
And run we did. According to a Morning Call account, over 3200 idiots ran through the streets and parks of Allentown in Sunday's St. Luke's Half Marathon. A few ran for the money. A few more ran to set personal records. But most of us ran 13.1 miles for no real reason. Why?  'Cuz we're nuts.

Not completely. The real insaniacs run complete marathons. Then, they keel over and die. Half-marathoners are only partially nuts. One of the runners proved that, spray-painting "half crazy" all over his car.

Before the race, I saw State Rep. Joe Brennan at William Allen High School's gym. His biggest concern was how he was going to be able to smoke. He had cigarettes stashed all over the place, along with little pieces of candy. He was running his first race. A frickin' half marathon.

Half crazy.

Then I bumped into Bethlehem Attorney Joe Yannuzzi, a serious endurance athlete who has climbed the Himalayan Mountains. I once ran a team race with this barrister, in which he managed somehow to get lost. He made fun of my black shoes, which weight in at 2 pounds each.

Half crazy.

The two Joes made their way to the front line while I worked my way to the rear.

Once the race started, I started slow ... and stayed that way. Although I'm something of a loner, I did enjoy eavesdropping to the numerous conversations among runners.

The best one-liner, shouted out about a mile into the race, was "Are we there yet?"

I was shocked at the huge amount of crowd participation. In addition to what had to be hundreds of volunteers along the course, there were just as many spectators, rooting on their favorites. I loved their signs  too.

My favorite? "Don't poop your pants!."

Half crazy.

As mentioned in The Morning Call, two runners were Bethlehem firefighters, dressed in complete firefighting gear, including helmets. They carried an American flag. There was also a woman wearing either a bride's or First Holy Communion veil. Not sure what the Hell was going on there.

Half crazy.

Of all the many nice features in this race, what I enjoyed most were the thirteen very different bands strung out along the course, from rock performers to classical to an actual taiko ensemble calling itself Sanshi 5 (Manhattan Taiko). Their loud Japanese drums could be heard in the first, third and twelfth miles. Very powerful and inspirational.

Japanese bagpipes.

The race ended at Allentown's huge J. Birney Crum stadium. Runners limped their way around the track to finisher's medals, bottles of water, fruit, brownies, some delicious couscous concoction and vegan sausage sandwiches.  Say what you will about Dieruff or Allen, but that majestic stadium has to be the Lehigh Valley's best.

Joe Brennan, who had beaten me pretty soundly, was kind enough to greet me at the finish line. He even put off smoking for a few minutes.

Joe Yannuzzi had taken another wrong turn. He's still running somewhere, but is doing six-minute miles.

It was also nice to see former Allentown City Council member Michael Donovan cross that finish line. At this time last year, Michael was battling cancer. Having overcome that hurdle, 13.1 miles is nothing.

Not so crazy after all.

Will You Ever Hear From Me Again?

Joe Brennan

At the time this post publishes, I'll just be getting underway in the St. Luke's Half-Marathon this weekend. If you don't hear from me by Monday, you'll probably find my body somewhere near the gaping hole in downtown Allentown intended for the hockey arena.

State Rep. Joe Brennan and Bethlehem Township Commissioner Felix Barnard will be running this race, too. They've been part of a group of guys training together on weekends. Joe had no idea that Barnard is a Republican Township Commissioner. Felix had no idea that Joe is a Democratic State Rep.

Running transcends politics.

Felix Barnard

I volunteered to run with them, too, but we were never able to hook up.

Joe told me to meet him at 2 AM one recent weekend for a training run at the corner of 6th and Linden in Allentown.

"Make sure you wear your tights!" he suggested. He said if he was late, I should just wait there.

He never showed, but I did get lots of compliments. I even got to ride in a police car.

The Death of Caballo Blanco

The Tarahumarans called him Caballo Blanco, White Horse, in honor of the imitations this ultra-runner did for their children. His real name was Micah True.

He developed this goofy notion from his Native American teachers that running should be fun.

When you see runners go by in brightly colored, light-weight shoes, or those shoes with toes, that's White Horse. From the Tarahumarans, the best long distance human runners, True learned the notion of minimalist running.

Lightweight shoes or none at all!

Shoe companies are making gazillions off that idea, but Caballo Blanco just ran.

I try running shoeless sometimes, but still prefer my Brooks' Addictions. They weigh 2 pounds each. And that's without the orthotics!

True died last week, in the middle of a 12-mile run in New Mexico. He had stopped to dip his feet into a stream, and quietly passed away.

It took four days to find his body.

He died doing what he loved.

There's a nice story about this spiritual runner in Boulder Weekly.

Delaware & Lehigh National Heritage Corridor Trail Continues to Grow

On Saturday or Sunday mornings, if you're up early enough, you can see plenty of marathoners doing their weekend "long runs" of ten to twenty miles. The place they frequent the most is simply called the "towpath." You can pick it up in Allentown''s Canal Park, Bethlehem's Sand Island, Freemansburg's mule barn or in Easton's Riverview Park. It runs along the Lehigh Canal and is part of 165-mile Delaware & Lehigh National Heritage Corridor. It's the old route once used to deliver anthracite coal, and might be the most beautiful part of the Lehigh Valley.

I used to be one of those early morning runners. My brother and I illegally spray-painted mile markers between Sand Island and Allentown (4.4 miles) , and between Sand Island and the Bethlehem Boat Club (6.2 miles). A round trip run was exactly 21 miles. Once we could do that, we knew we were highly conditioned, well-trained athletes, ready for a marathon.

Stay away from the towpath south of Easton. On my first run there, I was nearly run over by some warhorse that delighted in shitting every time it breezed by me. The last time I went, I was nearly killed by a psycho goose. The damn thing started chasing after me when I got just a little too close to a gosling. Don't ever piss off a goose. It was hissing like a snake, snapping at my ass and was actually gaining on me even with its little webbed feet. That's when my foot jammed into a root, and I tumbled down the river bank.

Goose - 1, O'Hare - 0.

"Honk, Honk, Honk," the bastard laughed.

Later that day, I returned with a shotgun, but the goose went into hiding. Every now and then, I'd hear a "Honk," but all I could find were little goose feathers and those ugly green shits they leave all over the place.

Between Bethlehem and Allentown, there are no horses, and the geese are all on drugs, although they shit all over. There used to be a friendly beaver. He never bothered me, but loved to torment my brother's dogs. He probably moved to Easton when the canal dried up.

These days, the only wildlife you might find on the "towpath" is 18' tall state Rep. Joe Brennan. As a word of warning to my Republican friends, Joe is out of season until sometime after Labor Day.

We pretty much take these things for granted, but if truth be told, local officials do a lot of work to make those long runs and other forms of recreation possible. On Monday, at 11 AM, Lehigh County Executive Don Cunningham and state Department of Conservation and Natural Resources Secretary John Quigley will officially open the newest section of the Delaware & Lehigh National Heritage Corridor trail, a 2.8 mile stretch between Cementon and Laurys Station. Pricetag? $230,000. Costs are shared by Lehigh County, DCNR, the Delaware & Lehigh National Heritage Corridor and Emmaus-based Wildlands Conservancy.

My brother, the beaver and I supply the spraypaint for free.