King Allentown Makes Surprise Bid for State House

I was hoping to interview King Allentown at this year's Sportsfest, but he was pretty busy. Between playing hockey and signing autographs, he had little time for the pseudo press, as I am sometimes called. He did wave at me once, so I have that going for me. But I wish I had that interview now because the King has just announced he's taking on Peter Schweyer (he calls him Schwoyer) in the State House (the Kingster thinks it's the State Senate) race this November.

The former porn star, legend, icon, musician, food bank regular and athlete, made his announcement from a home that appears to be posted with eviction notices. He makes this compelling argument:

"My opponent, Peter Schwoyer, I never heard of you. If I haven't heard of you, you know what that means. What's your resume? What qualifications do you have, Peter Schmoyer?

"I've slept with 100 women, so I know the female demographic very intimately. I haven't lost a fight in five years of beer league hockey. ... I'm also undefeated on Judge Judy.

"How do you plan to protect Allentown? Do you even have guns, dude? Do you have guns like this, Peter Schmoyer [referring to the King's massive biceps]? I don't think so, Jack.

"I got one more question for ya', Pete Schmoyer. What you gonna' do on November 8, Pete Schmoyer, when King Allentown and all the Kingamaniacs run wild on you, Dude?"

King Allentown's announcement comes after it is too late for Schweyer, aka Schwoyer, aka Schmoyer, to withdraw. But I understand Schweyer has already conceded and plans to vote King Allentown.