How I Know Judge Franklin S VanAntwerpen

I haven't spoken to him for many years, but I knew Franklin S. VanAntwerpen back when he was a lowly common pleas judge in Northampton County. In fact, he was the "baby" judge and used to get stuck with all the cases no other judge would touch. For some reason, I was in front of him nearly every day.

Karma.

Anyway, it is before Judge VanAntwerpen that I set the record for the quickest guilty verdict ever entered by a Northampton County jury. Twelve minutes. I'm pretty sure that record still stands. Unfortunately, I did it as a defense attorney. Let me tell you what happened.

I used to represent the Peacock Hotel, which is located in Freemansburg. The owner was a very nice Portuguese woman named Maria. Her husband, who made the very best Paella in the world, used to own that bar. Then he woke up one morning and decided to blow his brains out. He left Maria the bar, and it gradually went downhill.

Freemansburg cops sent an underage police officer into the bar one night to see if Maria would serve him, and she did. She told me that she served him because she knew he was a cop, and never thought for a second that a police officer would ever deceive her. Of course, I demanded a jury trial to expose this blatant entrapment. I was so convinced I would win that I told then Assistant DA Mike Vedomsky that I'd accept the first 12 jurors selected and would try the case in about an hour.

Now, Maria's English is excellent, but once the trial started, she no longer understood a word. In those days, there were no Portuguese interpreters, but Mike Vedomsky agreed to let me use my Maria's daughter. So she was sworn in, too.

Both started arguing with each other - in Portuguese - every time I asked a question. This would go on a good five minutes and then the daughter would come back with a one-syllable response.

Finally, I posed the pivotal question. "Did you know that the person you served was, in fact, a Freemansburg police officer?"

All of a sudden, Maria's English became perfect and she answered "No." Then she and her daughter argued for a good five minutes and the daughter answered "Yes."

Vedomsky had one question on cross.

"How do you say No in Portuguese?"

Judge VanAntwerpen was pretty lenient on my client. I think she only got three years in the electric chair. Now he's one step away from the Supreme Court while I am a bottom-feeding blogger.

Karma.