VitalChek a Pennsylvania Ripoff

A few months ago, I decided to get a passport. I could tell you that it's because of the election, but the simple truth is that I'd like to visit a few countries where nobody knows me, like Idaho. But they don't just hand those out. If you want a passport, you have to apply, and for that, you need a birth certificate. I lost mine.

My mother, who used to tell me that I was actually the spawn of Satan, might have burnt mine, actually. But that's no problem. I could just apply for a copy, and thanks to the Internets, I could do it online. Now the state is too damn busy doing important things to track down my birth certificate. But it has one of those public-private partnerships with an outfit called VitalChek, a Lexis Nexis company, VitalChek is only too happy to do it for $30. So I paid up and waited a few months . ... And waited some more.... and more.

I'll be making a road trip today to Pennsylvania's Division of Vital Records, wherever that is, to find my birth certificate. VitalChek is a complete waste of time and money.  If you need a birth certificate or if you die and need a death certificate, get the record yourself or ask your state legislator to get it for you.

After not having received my birth certificate in the 10-20 days that VitalChek estimated, I went online and inserted my order number. I received a message telling me nothing except that the bastards have my money. Then I checked "Pennsylvania processing times" to see if that might help. VitalCheck apparently thinks it's not so vital to update this reference. It was last updated on September 12, over a month ago  According to VitalCheck, the state is only now  getting around to applications for birth certificates that came in July. If you're dead, they're a little quicker. They probably get fewer complaints.

So Vitalcheck lies. It represents online that the birth certificate would be out in 10-20 days when it knows that the state is months behind. In fact, it takes longer to get a frickin' birth certificate than it does to get a passport.
I called to complain.

I was placed on hold and got a message saying, "Due to unusually high call volume, we suggest you again later."

In other words, fuck you!

Eventually, I was disconnected.

I tried again. Same message. Same disconnect.

But I kept trying, and eventually got through.

When I explained what was happening to the person on the other end, I got this: "I am so sorry this has happened to you."

In other words, fuck you!

I demanded my money back.

"I am so sorry but we can't do that. The state has your money."

In other words, fuck you!

I decided to call Vital Records and got this:

"Please pay attention because our options have changed."

In other words, you're a dumass!

"If you applied for a birth certificate online, press two.

I did and got this:

"Welcome to Vitalchek. Due to unusually heavy call volume, wee suggest you try again later."

You know, I really am a dumass.

It's treatment like this that makes people hate government and those public-private partnerships. So I'm going there today, and while I'm there, I'm going to pick up my death certificate, too. I just hope I wasn't born in Kenya.