I Survived the Bethlehem Township Flashflood

Barry Roth was missing from Monday night's contentious meeting of the Bethlehem Township Board of Commissioners. Personally, I think he was the object of a human sacrifice by Michael Hudak and others who oppose using public funds, even grant money, to build a public restroom for the Bulldogs.

"If a dog can't piss in the park, kids should learn to hold it, too," noted Sensai Hudak. "That is all I have to say." He dismissed concerns about children running into the bushes. "A corncob was always good enough for me," he declared. "That is all I have to say." He then called the Bulldogs "the special few."

Shit, maybe they're Masons! I always suspected it.

"I want everyone to know I'm the biggest athletic supporter you'll ever see," Breslin could be heard saying on his cell phone, where he was apparently taping another Bobby Gunther Walsh show. Nobody took issue with him.

Well, whatever demonic ritual Hudak and Breslin performed on poor Barry Roth, it backfired. Not only did Commissioners vote to seek $250,000 in grant money for what is really a combination restroom and storage facility, but the skies suddenly opened up and the rains cascaded  Nancy Run did a hell of a lot of running. Roads began to look like Venice.  I even saw Noah go by.

The trip to my estate in Nazareth is usually about ten minutes. It was about an hour on Monday night.

At Northampton Community College, the storm waters looked menacing,  especially when I saw the Titanic. So I decided to go south on Hecktown Road. That was my first mistake. I soon ran up against a lake and decided to turn around and go north on Hecktown Road despite the waters. That was my second mistake, and a big one. .

My car, a 1991 Toyota, has a tough enough time going anywhere when the roads are clear. I was asking too much of it. At one point, I had to be in two feet or more of water, but the little engine kept going, despite 244,000 miles on the odometer. It nearly stalled out, but when I gunned it, I made it through the deep water.

That's one helluva' car! I don't know how the hell we beat the Japanese.

But there were consequences. The floating debris, which was moving pretty fast, had knocked something loose on the undercarriage, and it was dragging. I thought it must be my exhaust, but decided to go for it. I dragged it all the way up Rte 191 to my estate, where my servants carried me in.

The next day, I waved at a cop as I dragged it on the road again to my mechanic, four-way flashers blinking.By the time he got word to Cupcake Trachta, I had disappeared down an alley. Finally made it to my mechanic and it turns out all I was dragging was some plastic cover to the gas tank that he said I don't really need. But he told me, "Your offroading days are over"

It was a harrowing ride. Next time, I will pull over somewhere and wait. Things could have been very different.

Fortunately, there are no news accounts of any fatalities or injuries, except for poor Barry Roth and a few shark attacks

"The Bulldogs suck!" were reportedly Barry's last words.