Call Me Reverend

Call me Reverend.

It may take years of arduous study to become a rabbi, priest or even a UCC minister, but the Universal Life Church Monastery ordained me online last night, no questions asked. All I had to do was give them my name, address and email. No charge.

I started rolling around on the floor, speaking in tongues immediately. I feel holier already.

Guess what? That's exactly what my fellow clergyman, the Right Reverend Mario Martinez has done. He's the dude who claims God is on his side in the Gracedale dispute and that Angle is the Devil.

Amen. As an ordained minister, I suggest an exorcism. Maybe the Spanish Inquisition.

Contrary to what you may think, Rev. Martinez did not get his ordination papers out of a cereal box. No, siree, he did exactly what I did. He was ordained online by The Love Church, which admits "[o]ur degrees are not regionally accredited by an agency accepted by the U.S. Dept. of Commerce."

And Lo and Behold, the Reverend is already fleecing his flock.

Martinez has an online Church called "The Spirit Without Limit." In addition to enlightening us about the difference between BC and AD, what the good Rev. really does is hit us up for dough. He calls it a tithe. Sounds holier. Hey, maintaining an online church costs money! Do you think religion is for the poor? The Rev. claims to be collecting money for two different charitable organizations. Kids. Donations are supposed to be sent to his Holy Post Office Box.

Funny thing about that. I was unable to find any registration information for Rev. Martinez' church, either as a nonprofit or charitable organization. But when Rev. Mario registered his Holy Domain, he lists "Eyesore Investments" as the administrative organization. That's some sort of real estate investment firm that claims to purchase and rent out properties here in the Lehigh Valley. I never heard of it.

It has the same Holy Post Office Box as the Rev's online church.

Martinez registered the domain and a fictitous name for his business.

Now why does this bother me? Because people like the fake Rev. denigrate the good work done by real clergy and use their status as a weapon, as the fake Rev. has done with Gracedale.

They're as bad as lawn gnomes.

By the way, I'm collecting money for The Human Fund. You can trust me. I'm an ordained minister.