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Friday, December 04, 2009

Northampton County Council: Haggis For Everyone!

Tiny Nazareth is home to six different Italian restaurants. We also have two Chinese restaurants, a Japanese sushi bar that replaces a taco house, a bakery that specializes in Moravian sugarcake and a Brazilian steakhouse. On the outskirts, we even have an Indian grocery. But one thing you won't see, here or anywhere else in the Lehigh Valley, is a good Irish-British-Scottish restaurant. Sure, we've got a lock on pubs like Braveheart, where a seven course meal consists of a six pack and a potato, but that's about it.

And that's as it should be. Have you ever eaten authentic British food? It might explain why they fancy French restaurants. I'm firmly convinced that pretty much all British cuisine was invented on a dare. One of the most revolting of these foods, of course, is haggis, in which a sheep's heart, liver and lungs are stuffed inside its stomach and then boiled for about three weeks. I'd rather eat vomit. Is it any wonder we drink?

Now we do have our good points, like kilts, Irish whiskey, caber-tossing, Scotch, bagpipes, Bass Ale, the Book of Kells, porter, bards and Guinness Stout. We still produce the occasional Druid, persons like Jim Hickey, who can still blow flaming monkeys out of his ass at will. So it's no surprise that Celts will conduct occasional celebrations of their superiority at events like Bethlehem's annual Celtic Classic.

But that festival has fallen on hard times, thanks to lousy weather. Luck of the Irish. Hickey has suggested a few human sacrifices, but only Northampton County Bulldog Ron Angle would go along with that idea. So last night, instead of throwing hotel tax money at the LV Iron Pigs, Northampton County Council decided to give the Celtic Classic $5,000.

Jerry Seyfried: "What is the money being used for?"

McAngle: "Haggis."

McHale, a board member who recused herself from voting, said the money would be used for educational programs, including how to cook haggis.

O'Dertinger: "And to teach kids they don't want that."

McAngle: "Isn't that sheep's stomach or something?"

McHale: "Yes."

Mike Dowd: "And that's the upside."

McHale: "Do you like scrapple? I mean, I like scrapple, but I can't get haggis down. It just comes back up. I tried it once. Once was enough. Sorry. Let's change the subject."

When your kids come home from school, hurling sheep's liver and hearts, give them a Guinness Stout and they'll be fine. It's for medicinal purposes.
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12 comments:

  1. BillDecember 4, 2009 at 5:39 AM

    I am guessing you would take a pass on Black Pudding as well.

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnonymousDecember 4, 2009 at 7:33 AM

    Is this an actual conversation that took place at a Council meeting? It sounds like a conversation a bunch of college students would be having while smoking pot. "Dude....(inhale, hold, exhale) ever have Haggis? It's like....gross....."

    ReplyDelete
  3. RSDecember 4, 2009 at 7:38 AM

    I read a few years ago that the most popular dish in England is curry beef.

    As you note, you just don't see British restaurants pretty much anywhere. There's a reason.

    ReplyDelete
  4. AnonymousDecember 4, 2009 at 8:31 AM

    "a good Irish-British-Scottish restaurant"

    perhaps the most internally inconsistent phrase you've ever written, Bern.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Bernie O'HareDecember 4, 2009 at 8:43 AM

    Anon 7:33, Acyual conversation, yep.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Bernie O'HareDecember 4, 2009 at 8:44 AM

    "I am guessing you would take a pass on Black Pudding as well."

    Pass.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Bernie O'HareDecember 4, 2009 at 8:45 AM

    "a good Irish-British-Scottish restaurant"

    perhaps the most internally inconsistent phrase you've ever written, Bern."

    Indeed.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Charles R. ColaDecember 4, 2009 at 10:06 AM

    You can get some damn good pasties in Pen Argyl.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Bernie O'HareDecember 4, 2009 at 10:15 AM

    That's bc they're made by Italians. But they are good.

    ReplyDelete
  10. AnonymousDecember 4, 2009 at 9:41 PM

    The only pasties I like are worn by strippers.

    ReplyDelete
  11. AnonymousDecember 5, 2009 at 1:17 PM

    Look, I love the Classic and the chance to revel in my heritage as much as the next guy. But this is the same thing as Lehigh county funding that goddamn mouse.

    When you are talking about cutting long standing services to the elderly, and selling things and tax increases, you don't spend a penny on a glorified block party.

    If we can't make it work through attendance and memberships and sponsorships, it should die its natural death, sad as that would be.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Bernie O'HareDecember 5, 2009 at 1:45 PM

    I actually agree with you. I doubt there would be a similar sentiment towards a similar celebraton of, say, Puerto Rican heirtage.

    ReplyDelete

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