Severson Scissorhands Manages to Piss Off God!

Not too long ago, I told you about Severson Scissorhands. This political consultant has earned over $10.35 million from candidates seeking state office over the last seven years. He may be the biggest campaign guru in the state. Without doubt, he's the sleaziest. From his lunchroom, he wants to "kill" and "stab" his political enemies. Severson himself states, "We all maybe at times through the course of our life feel we'd like to kill." This dude even builds switchblades and has admitted brandishing them in his office.

Maybe you think I was a bit harsh. If so, this little story will change your mind. Now Severson is playing dirty politics with the Big Kahuna, the Almighty One, and He's really pissed.

Severson Scissorhands went totally ballistic Friday night. Amazingly, it was in a church, during a funeral mass at Pen Argyl's Saint Elizabeth's Church for Gemma Turtzo. God reputedly lives there. Severson's wife was actually one of the frickin' readers. But Severson still managed to explode just ten minutes into the service.

Norco councilman Ron Angle, who was mentored in his younger years by Gemma's husband, also attended this mass. So did many other slate belt notables, including former councilperson Mary Ensslin. She actually sat next to Angle in the back of the church.

Not long after mass started, Severson spotted Angle from across the aisle. He went totally bonkers in the House of God. He actually stood up, and started shouting "Fuck you! - I'm going to kick your ass in the parking lot." He even offered that famous second finger salute.

After this had gone on for at least ten minutes, an eighty year old fellow named Eddie Mugavero turned around and asked Severson to knock it off. Severson plastered him with a few "fuck yous" as well. "If you don't like it, leave, you little midget."

As mass was ending, Angle rushed out a side door and ran to his truck as Ensslin slowed Severson down. Scissorhands soon spun around and bolted to the front of the church, screaming at a few people in the process. There are unconfirmed reports he may have even pulled his switchblade on someone in the lobby, but he was clearly after Angle. I don't think he even stopped to steal the collection money. But by the time he made it to the parking lot, Ron was safely in his big-ass truck, waving goodbye. Severson continued to scream at him and everyone else in the parking lot.

Angle intends to report this today to Pen Argyl's police chief. But Severson has previously said his relationship with DA John Morganelli gives him some sort of immunity. "I'll never be prosecuted in Northampton County."

For Scissorhands, a criminal prosecution is the least of his worries.

Last I heard, Serverson's Pen Argyl mansion is overrun by cold-weather locusts and frogs, and he's covered with boils, lice and flies. All his switchblades have been transformed into tiny plastic paper clips. Every time he tries to leave his house, lightning bolts singe his ass.

I tried calling God for an interview, but Sunday is His busy day. All He would say is, "That idiot must think he's Me. You know, those weren't the Ten Suggestions."