John Stoffa Press Conference: "Superman Visited Me Once"

There I was, sitting in a crowded county executive's office, at 4 PM today. Everyone was elegantly dressed, excepting me. I wore an old tattered "Life is Good" T-shirt, dirty jeans and smelly sneakers. Portraits of five former county execs, which decorate the walls, glared down at me.

How did I, with my coffee-stained T-shirt, end up in such an austere setting? Let me explain.

A few minutes earlier, I had gone to catch a few minutes of Ron Angle's finance committee hearing. I had no intention of staying very long, and was only there to show off my new toy - a digital camera. A reader suggested I should get pictures of council members, so I thought I'd give it a try.

Who knows? Maybe I could nail one of 'em picking his nose!

As we waited for the meeting to start, I took about thirty pictures of door knobs and empty chairs. I'm pretty sure I impressed the hell out of everyone because they were all smiling and complimenting me.

"Bernie, you need help, you know that?"

That was County Exec. Stoffa's way of letting me know I'm probably a genius.

As we all sat and cracked jokes, it soon became apparent that Angle was a no show. The bastard blew us off! Either that, or he's still stuck in Jellystone Park.

After waiting fifteen minutes (the college professor rule), Stoffa said, "Let's get out of here." And we all marched out. That's when John Conklin, Stoffa's amiable Director of Administration, told me he had some emails he'd like me to see about the touchscreen and lever voting machines. I went upstairs with him. But to get those emails, I'd have to sit through a Stoffa press conference.

Cool!

So I walked into John Stoffa's office, and all these photographers were already waiting. Their cameras were a lot bigger than mine. They also dress like they're going on a frickin' safari. I have to remember that.

"Are you waiting for Channel 69," a reporter asked Stoffa.

"Nah. I'm waiting for Walt. (that's Walt Garvin, the chair of Northampton County's election commission.) I promised I'd wait for him." Stoffa's a classy guy.

Within a minute, nattily attired Walt was there, looking suitably serious. He was just a little surprised to see a blogger at an official press conference, but didn't spit on me or anything.

"Good day," he gravely nodded as he somberly walked by.

Who the hell says, "Good day?"

Following Walt was a very pretty Channel 69 reporter. She conveniently sat on the couch right next to me. It was very apparent that she wanted me, especially when she saw my camera. But I denied her. I'm a blogger.

Walt and Stoffa sat next to each other, nimbly handling questions from both The Express Times and Morning Call. That vapid Channel 69 reporter asked nothing. She just eyed me hungrily. I ignored her and decided to get a good picture of Stoffa and Garvin together, looking real serious. There was a little superman statue between them, and I thought I'd get that in the shot, too. I whipped out my little camera, lined up my shot, and ... my goddamn batteries died on me! Too many doorknob shots.

Print reporters had a myriad of intelligent questions about Advanced Voting Solutions (no, they don't seem very advanced), Elections Commissioner Harry VanSickle (not VanWinkle), and lever machines (they each weigh 880 pounds, according to Stoffa).

But if I do say so myself, and I do, I had the question of the day.

"What's the deal with that superman statue?"

"Whaaat?"

"I said, what's up with that superman statue sitting on top of that TV right behind you?"

"He visited me once," Stoffa replied.

Today's papers will tell you all about the return of the lever machines, Old Faithful. But in my mind, the big story from yesterday's press conference is Stoffa's admitted association with Superman.

Did you ever notice that Superman and council prez Wayne Grube are never in the same room together??

I'm pretty sure this is the last press conference I'll ever be permitted to attend.

Update: The Morning Call's Joe Nixon has a quite detailed account of yesterday's press conference, and what it really means. The Express Times' Sarah Cassi has also filed a report. Neither mention Superman.