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Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Nazareth Graffiti Artist Fingered

His tag is "Coach." If you live in or near Nazareth, you've seen his dastardly work.

He's the bastard who spray-painted nine cars outside Wal-Mart last week. He lit up the old Ranch House in Upper Nazareth Township. He's even spray-painted my jeep several times.

Nazareth Mayor Earl Keller is convinced the culprit must be a blogger. Police, of course, suspect skateboarders. Nazareth Borough Councilman Conrad Bowers has already appointed himself lead investigator. He plans to convert the skatepark into an internment camp for 'boarders while he gets interrogation tips from the CIA.

Keller, cops and Bowers are on the wrong track. I saw the real culprit last weekend from my window. He laughed hysterically as he spray-painted "Coach" all over my jeep ... again. I dashed outside with a golf club, but the old fart was too fast for me. He hopped on a skateboard, went about twenty feet to a nearby Caddy, and sped off in a shower of sparks. He even threw a firecracker at me as he roared off.

I called 911 and gave a detailed description, but was immediately committed. I think those little turds are in on it with the "coach." But they could only keep me 48 hours. I snapped a picture of this miscreant with my cellphone and have sent it to the FBI.

I can't wait to see the look on Northampton County Council Prez Grube's face when the feds ask him to pop his hood.
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18 comments:

  1. Blah SocietyJuly 31, 2007 at 1:17 AM

    Did he really get your jeep?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Bernie O'HareJuly 31, 2007 at 1:20 AM

    The truth is that no one has ever spraypainted my jeep. But Wayne Grube periodically stops at my jeep and leaves nasty notes about it being an eyesore and piece of junk. He's just jealous because he can't handle a stick shift.

    ReplyDelete
  3. GortJuly 31, 2007 at 1:38 AM

    Have you let the thing wander around on it's own lately?

    ReplyDelete
  4. AnonymousJuly 31, 2007 at 2:49 AM

    Bernie, you are kind to use Waynes High School picture why not one taken in the 20th Century

    ReplyDelete
  5. LVDemJuly 31, 2007 at 6:21 AM

    dude, good luck finding your tires this morning. I'll give you a hint on their location. Some guy name Tony took them. Not saying which one, but that should send you to the Reading area or to Hellertown I figure.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Bernie O'HareJuly 31, 2007 at 9:49 AM

    Looks like I have to start hiding the jeep again.

    ReplyDelete
  7. riverJuly 31, 2007 at 3:55 PM

    Bernie O'Hare said...
    Bernie says."The truth is that no one has ever spraypainted my jeep. But Wayne Grube periodically stops at my jeep and leaves nasty notes about it being an eyesore and piece of junk. He's just jealous because he can't handle a stick shift. """"""""

    geeez!! I hope I never have the misfortune of parking my 1987 Toyota next to Knobby's supercalalfragilistic car :):):)

    ReplyDelete
  8. riverJuly 31, 2007 at 4:10 PM

    It is amazing as you look at the pic of spray paint. it says "respect coach"... the true definition of an oxymoran

    ReplyDelete
  9. AnonymousJuly 31, 2007 at 4:33 PM

    Ole Knobby moves pretty good for an 96 year old crumudgen.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Bernie O'HareJuly 31, 2007 at 5:47 PM

    He still has pretty good aim, too. he got me with that firecracker right in the schnozz.

    ReplyDelete
  11. J. SPIKE ROGANJuly 31, 2007 at 8:07 PM

    Bernie does your Jeep have a "Ron Angle is Right" bumper sticker and half a Nader, LaDuke 2000 sticker on the front bumper?

    ReplyDelete
  12. J. SPIKE ROGANJuly 31, 2007 at 8:09 PM

    Oh ansd PS some sorry ass punks slashed the tires on two dozen cars in Easton Heights on the 1100 blocks of jackson Street and Bushkill. Smashed a windsheild of a car by Uncle Wesley's.

    Most cars had TWO slashed tires so that you needed a tow!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Bernie O'HareJuly 31, 2007 at 8:31 PM

    Bernie does your Jeep have a "Ron Angle is Right" bumper sticker and half a Nader, LaDuke 2000 sticker on the front bumper?

    As a matter of fasct, yes. I could never peel the damn things off.

    ReplyDelete
  14. AnonymousJuly 31, 2007 at 9:54 PM

    Bernie.....you miserable bastard. You should thank the SOB for the improved paint job on your Jeep. Are you still showering in the courthouse bathroom?

    ReplyDelete
  15. Bernie O'HareJuly 31, 2007 at 9:59 PM

    Nah. Today, the judges' fountain was working so I hopped in. Actually, they think the pipes froze but I think my body hair clogged the pipes.

    ReplyDelete
  16. J. SPIKE ROGANAugust 1, 2007 at 8:03 PM

    Who the hell did you buy the Jeep from that they listen to John Wayne Gacey and licked Nader???

    I saw you once at the former Corbin Johns lst summer.

    ReplyDelete
  17. AnonymousDecember 18, 2007 at 3:43 PM

    That is the EXACT same picture as the picture in this link, look at the shadows, the coulds, anything, it is the exact same except for thsi somehow mysteriously has the wor COACH on it?

    http://nocnews.blogspot.com/2007/07/graffiti-respect.html

    ReplyDelete
  18. Bernie O'HareDecember 18, 2007 at 3:51 PM

    Yes, This story is a spoof. I took that pic from Ross' blog and inserted the word "coach" and blamed it all on Grube.

    ReplyDelete

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