Friday, January 11, 2013

Werner's 2012 Top Ten List for Norco Council

Buzzer Beater Babs
Council member Bob Werner was sick as a dog on Monday. In fact, he was so sick that he missed Council's reorganization, in which just three of nine members were miraculously able to elect a President and VP. He must have had a sore arm because he sure as hell spent a lot of time patting himself on the back at last night's meeting.

Last October, Werner "chided" the press for its failure to spread the Good News about Northampton County. Last night, he had a Top Ten list of Great Things that Council accomplished last year. He made sure he provided a copy of that Letterman List to the Morning Call reporter who thinks Lehigh County's conservative Commissioners are "wackos."

He missed me for some reason.

As a bottom-feeding blogger, I failed to take detailed notes. But I can't bear another chiding from Werner. So let me fill you in on Council's 2012 accomplishments.

10) A guaranteed energy savings project (GESA) (This was actually approved by the previous Council, but let's not split hairs)

9)  A 2012 bond.(Yep, he's proud of borrowing money).

8)  A vending machine in the basement that no longer steals your quarters. (Just dollar bills).

7)  Getting Captain Kangaroo as the new County Mascot.

6)  A basketball team, the NorCo Nuckleheads, captained by Bruce Gilbert. This team edged out the Lehigh County Wackos in double over-time last March with a buzzer beater coming from Babs Thierry after Lamont McClure predictably fouled out. The team would later fall to a 4th grade CYO team in which Ken Kraft was beaten to a pulp by Sister Mary Raymond, OSF. (Don't EVER pick a fight with a nun, even if you're a Marine).

5) A NY Times Best Seller, "Inoffensive Opening Prayers," penned by John Cusick. It contains interfaith gems like this: "O God and Holy Spirit: Ease our suffering during this Council meeting; verily, verily we say unto You, Mother Earth. And Yea, in the Valley of Darkness, we shall fear no Angle or the White Whale. Om Mani Peme Hung. If I were a rich man. L'Chaim." Cusick is going to cut an audio tape this year for insomniacs.

4) A translator for incomprehensible Tom Dietrich, who has mastered the art of using a maximum number of words to say absolutely nothing. (Unfortunately, the linguist committed suicide after just one meeting).

3)  A symposium on the evils of alcohol, sponsored by Scott Parsons, at Detzi's Tavern. Council plans to meet there this year. "It's lot more fun than Tic Toc," says Peg Ferraro.

2) Birdhouse building classes, under the supervision of Executive John Stoffa. "It's very Zen," claimed Stoffa, before falling into a coma.

1) A Ron Angle portrait, painted by Ron Angle, to be hung in the Council shitter.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

I never really liked Samantha Marcus, anyway.

Anonymous said...

Just give them that Ron Angle puppet you had a picture of.

Anonymous said...

OMG! This makes the top 10 blog posts ever.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious Bernie! had me going with the first two.

Anonymous said...

And they still performed better than any council that contained Ron Angle. It will take some time to recover from the Angle years. The level of civility, alone, has been a marked improvement.

Anonymous said...

BO, where do you stand on Werner? From the little i know, im not a huge fan.

Bernie O'Hare said...

Bob Werner works very hard, attends lots of meetings and appears to be reasonable. He does seem to have an exalted opinion of himself, but that's OK. He does not appear to think much of me, so he must be a good judge of character.

Bernie O'Hare said...

I'm glad you liked it. I liked the Captain Kangaroo one myself.

Carol said...

Happy New Year Bernie, Detzi's Tavern has great wings also. Carol