Thursday, December 30, 2010

What Will LV Pols Be Doing Next Year?

You may not know this, but many of our local pols and other luminaries teach or conduct local lecture series. The following is a rundown of some of the classes and seminars under consideration next year, as well as a few predictions.

By popular demand, Northampton County Bulldog Ron Angle will start selling will form kits. "My dad had a bunch of them lying around, so I figured I might as well make a few bucks," the Bulldog explains. "You don't need witnesses or anything." Asked if that might present problems during probate, he replies, "Fuck them. Just appeal."

Bethlehem Mayor John Callahan will teach "Five-point Accounting for Everyone." "The plan is a simple one," he assured me. "It starts with Point 3, which is premised on Point 4, I mean 2, and Point 7 through 9 pay for Point 1.3, and then you ..." Business Administrator Dennis Reichard has already flunked out, but said, "It's not like anyone's going to jail."

LV Congressman Charlie Dent will resign to launch his new career as a professional paddle-ball player.

Julio "I speak three languages" Guridy will open Julio's Elocution School. "I'll be talking about many tings along the bitches of Cedar Creek," he explains. Lou Hershman is Dean Emeritus.

Norco Exec John Stoffa and Bethlehem City Council Prez Bob Donchez might conduct a seminar in Assertiveness Training, as long as it offends nobody. "I haven't made up my mind yet," Stoffa tells me. "Someone else might want to do it," chimes in Donchez. "Hey, how about birdhouses?" asks Stoffa.

Former Head Start kid John Callahan will offer a Five-Point Seminar on Clear Speaking. "It's a simple plan," he explains. "Point 3 comes immediately before Point 7, followed by Point 1.6, after which you ..."

State Rep. Joe Brennan will become a part-time driving instructor as soon as his car gets out of the body shop. "It's a few minor repairs. Hardly visible. Can't even see the damage from that bus I rear-ended yesterday, or the nun who is still getting peeled off my grille."

Jake Towne will finally answer, "Who is Jake Towne?"

He's the Batman.

Glenn "Commissioner No" Eckhart will offer the Pentagon the use of his head as a tactical nuclear missile. "I don't really use it," he quips.

Commissioner Percy Dougherty will shock the word by announcing his moustache is fake.

Charles "Don't call me Charlie" Dertinger will conduct a "How to Win Elections" lecture series. Walt Garvin, Lorraine Pasquale and Hillary Kwiatek have already registered.

State Rep. Jenn Mann, who moonlights as a consultant with state contractor Vitetta, will conduct a seminar with freshman representatives on the importance of ethics.

Bethlehem City Council member Wee Willie Reynolds will star in a remake of Nesferatu and is writing a book - "You Can Have a Hot Girlfriend, Too!"

Allentown Mayor Edwin Pawlowski will offer a powerpoint home improvements presentation - "The Perfect Mancave - from Permit to Hot Tub."

Allentown City Council Prez Mike D'Amore and Norco Controller Steve Barron will team up again and visit all T-Mobile call centers on the Eastern Coast, demanding managers to speak to them ... or else.

I will write the foreword to the latest edition of "How to Make Friends and Influence People."

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Bernie, normally I skewer you for your bullshit logic and pandering for you pol pals but in all fairness this is funny. You aren't as good looking as Bill White but your humorous entry isn't bad, in fact is is quite entertaining.

I hope you don't mind if readers give you the rumors they have heard and you can confirm or deny their validity.

Steve Barron is going to be teaching a course to office holders on humility in office and how not to allow special interest groups influence your actions.

No attacks tonight, you earned a pass. Funny stuff!

Mr. Alotta Flatulence

Anonymous said...

bethlum stalls again as a republican governor, senate and house ignore the crooked boy mayor

holland quits decorating her office and actually reviews something

council runs amuck as their rubber stamps melt

Anonymous said...

Stoffa will have his hands full managing all of his pensions. Grucela has so many, he had to quit his job to keep watch over his pile. Grucela is teaching a course called, "Public Service Pays Well and Would Be Perfect, If Not For Those Contemptible Constituents."

Anonymous said...

Love this pic of Angle, he looks kinda like Benny Hill!

Clem said...

"What Will LV Pols Be Doing Next Year?"


Funny stuff, for sure.

Seriously, though? R or D, they'll be fleecing us. Lining their pockets, buying votes and feeding their egos. We'll get the public displays of outrage and empathy, but from the far right to the far left, none will do anything other than laugh (behind the back, of course) at the pathetic masses for buying their bullshit.

Watch Dog said...

Bethlehem City Councilman DiGiacinto and Council Solicitor Spadoni will take turns to tutor Councilman and Chair of the Financial Committee J. William "my girlfriend is hot" Reynolds on balancing a budget.

He has not yet signed up for the "Learn how not to act like a child during a vote" seminar.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oXz0InHDQiY

Anonymous said...

HEY BERNIE..ADD TO ALL THIS DAVE"LUMPY"SANDERS IS CONDIDERING RUNNING FOR COUNCIL AGAIN TO REPLACE OUTGOING GORDY MOWER AND THAT ABOUT SOME UP THE UP AND COMING YEAR..SHOULD BE INTERESTING BUT HEY!!! NOT LIKE ANYBODY IS GOING TO JAIL...GREAT STUFF BERNSTER....HAVE A HAPPY AND VERY HEALTHY NEW YEAR MY FRIEND

Anonymous said...

Stoffa will be teaching a manage while you sleep seminar. He is a natural. Whats a matter Bernie, a little to true to be humorous. You can dish it out but oh the taking is so hard. new year same as the old year, you old hypocrite you. Her comes the delete. or better yet the Soviet I will erase and make it non-existent with out mention.

Happy New Year

Bernie O'Hare said...

The 3 AM troll. No humor, just hate.