Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Where Can an Auslander Live and Work in the Lehigh Valley?

I'm a miserable bastard. Regular readers know I hate everyone, although I do like kids and sushi if they're properly cooked. So imagine my surprise yesterday when I received an email from some dude asking me for some nice spots to work, play and live in the Lehigh Valley.

"I have read some of your blogs and you have an ear to the ground on a lot of areas (personal, commercial, and political). I would love to get some pointers from you on where to look for jobs for me, (I already have started down the top 100 employers list for Lehigh) as well as where is better/worse to live. At the moment, we are primarily looking at Bethlehem, but we don’t do any on the ground looking until next week."

Dude, do I look like Mary Frickin' Poppins to you? If you want that kind of junk, there are all kinds of puff blogs out there designed to snare you, your wife and first born. This is a hate blog, damn it. I've got a rep to protect.

But wait a 'tic. If he reads this blog, he must already know I'm an asshole. I think he's more interested in what you think.

This guy has a fairly diverse business background but I'll keep his name and resume confidential. Hopefully, he's no genius. You see, Lehigh's Nutty Professor has already condemned the Lehigh Valley as an intellectual wasteland. "I'm not going to pretend life is fun in the Valley for people who happen to take pride in being intellectuals. ... With my PhD from MIT, I'm so completely out-of-place it'd be hilarious if it weren't so sad."

Where's the best spot for these Auslanders to live and work in the Lehigh Valley? Downtown Allentown? He wouldn't need to watch Cops. He could just roll a couch onto his stoop and watch all the gunfights. How 'bout next to the Chrin landfill in Williams Township? With all the seagulls and strange smells, it would be just like the Jersey shore. Nazareth? The "Moravians" do need a new wicker man and I'm getting tired of the way they keep looking at me.

19 comments:

Anonymous said...

Well, he can't be village idiot. You have the concession on that for the entire Valley.

Bernie O'Hare said...

Thank you. I work hard at it, too.

Anonymous said...

The first thing this person has to learn about the Lehigh Valley is that we don't travel to the other cities or boroughs outside of our own. Someone from Allentown might as well go to Idaho before travelling to Bethlehem or Easton and vice versa. That's why the LongDems always get lost when they have meetings in Lehigh County. We learn about the rest of the Valley from newspapers and Channel 96

Anonymous said...

Best place to work and live was Allentown, is Bethlehem, and will be Easton.

Anonymous said...

Pick out the scion with the drug problem.

Anonymous said...

Save yourself! Don't come anywhere near here! We cling to guns and religion and it takes two hours to read a single round of school closings. Keep moving through to the next place.

Count Zinzendorf said...

I would suggest BEthlehem, but like any good subject he must ask Ann McHale's permission first.

Anonymous said...

Jersey. All the assholes have moved here, and it's starting to turn around over there.

LVCI said...

Best place to live in the Valley is in the past. That's what I do.
:-)

Anonymous said...

He should move to Chapman. Only 11 people voted there in the last election. He could become mayor there if he wanted to.

Anonymous said...

The first rule of living in the Lehigh Valley is you don't talk about living in the Lehigh Valley.

Dave said...

Come to the Slate Belt..lots of houses for sale and everyone leaves during the day to travel to their jobs in NJ..very peaceful up here. Skip Pen Argyl as the smell from the WM dump is pretty bad depending on the prevailing winds.

Anonymous said...

Angle will sell you a house and may even hold the paper.

You will be broke and homeless in a few years but that's Life.

tinkerbell said...

that was a horrid movie!

Crazy Berther Lady said...

Who is this person? Does he have a birth certificate to move here? My father fought in the greatest generation, Pacific Theatre. I want a birth certificate! Let's all pledge allegiance!

Bernie O'Hare said...

Tinkerbell, Wicker Man was pretty damn lousy, now that you mention it. So let me make it up to you by suggesting a good one if you like film noire comedy - Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang. I think that weould appeal to your sense of humor.

Well Whattda Ya Know said...

In the old movie (I didn't watch the remake) there was a scene of a pickled hand placed on a nightstand. The fingertips were on fire. Supposedly, in witchcraft, that burning hand is to render someone paralyzed. The wicks for the burning fingers are usually the hair of the person that is now missing their hand.

But my question is: What is the name of it? That burning hand has a special name. Does anyone know what it is called?

Obviously, I am not into witchcraft. But to arm yourself against an enemy; you must study all aspects of the enemy! To defeat your enemy, you must be able to disarm your enemy and proliferate the antedote.

Peace, ~~Alex

Well Whattda Ya Know said...

I remember:

Hand of Glory!

Peace, ~~Alex

Anonymous said...

Who cares!