First, take the Long Dem quiz.
1) Do you find registered voters a nuisance that get in the way of you choosing our rulers?
2) Do you think only homeowners should have a say in government?
3) Are you the only people left on the planet who endorse in primaries?
4) Do you like calling a Northampton County Council member a "low hanging fruit" or joke during a public meeting about guys holding hands?
5) Does every candidate you endorse lose?
6) Were you illegally elected to your position as Party Boss?
7) Do you create havoc, discord, mayhem and chaos every time you appear uninvited to a municipal Democratic meeting?
8) Do you have a tiara in your glove compartment and 600 Stoffa signs in your trunk?
9) Do you like using a political consultant convicted of disrupting a funeral mass with a few well placed "Fuck you"s.
10) Do you like using a political consultant currently being prosecuted for deceptive campaign practices?
11) Do you believe council candidates should stay away from meetings because it might spoil the surprise?
12) Do you believe council's best work is done behind closed doors with corporate executives?
13) Do you think committee work is for chumps?
14) Did you walk out of a Michelle Obama speech because you were denied a front row seat for stupid military families?
15) Did your daughter get knocked up by Ron Angle at your primary results party?
16) Do you feel under some sort of compulsion to note daily, on this very blog, that I am a suspended lawyer and drunk who changes in the men's room after I ride my bike to the courthouse?
17) Are you sexually attracted to me, but too shy to ask me for a hug?
18) Have you ever opened the paper the day before an election to find that County Council member Ron Angle has spent his own money to expose you to the public, thus helping to cause your defeat 24 hours later?
19) Are you bitterly opposed to a Democratic county exec whose fiscal policies have saved taxpayers $10 million per year and have increased the county's bond rating?
20) Are you bitterly opposed to a Democratic county executive who actually gave voters their first open space program?
21) Are you bitterly opposed to a county executive who has improved county services and saved lives by bringing us reverse 911 and pictometry, which enables 911 dispatchers to see oblique angles inside buildings?
22) Are you bitterly opposed to a Democratic county executive who supports a regional health department?
23) Do you feel some inexplicable urge to hug Mike Fleck right now?
24) Are you afraid of getting on a LANTA bus to have your picture taken with those people?
If you've answered yes to any of these questions, chances are you're a Joe Long Dem. If you've answered yes to #s 1, 8, 14, 18 &24, you are probably Council Prez Ann McHale. If it's all of the questions, you're probably Charles Dertinger or Bossman Long.
If it turns out that you are a Joe Long Dem, don't worry. I can help. Here's what you do. Go to the courthouse, take off all your clothes in the can and then streak through the courtrooms inside and fountain outside. While doing that, try shouting, "I love birdhouses."
If this fails to cure you, you'll still be locked up long enough to enable John Stoffa to get a few things done.