You won't see us on any ballot because we believe everything is best done behind closed doors. We're like the Masons, minus the goofy costumes. Some of us are nominally Democrats or Republicans, but that's just to throw you off. Here's a few of our super-secret positions, distilled from our party platform. They've been penned by Maddox, the Jefferson of the Regressive Party.
Presidential Favorite: A box of tic-tacs.
Family values: Love your kids? Then beat the shit out of them.
Abortion: We oppose abortion, but support killing babies. Usually we'll just leave them on the rocks like the Spartans. As stated in our party platform, "I'm neither pro choice, nor pro life; I'm pro you-shutting-the-hell-up."
Idaho: Return it to Britain.
Old People: "I came out of the theater and saw old people dancing to country music in the courtyard. I couldn't remember the last time I saw a group of people begging this hard to be aborted."
Vampires: "Vampire hunting will be a government-sanctioned profession."
Photo Credit: Maddox. He sells bumper stickers here.