Wednesday, January 28, 2009

The Rise of the Regressive Party

I hate to admit it, but failed Congressional candidate Sam (Siobhan) Bennett was right about me. I've been patiently waiting for some "progressive" blogger to out me, but they're all regressives, too. So it's time to come out of the closet and announce that I'm really a proud member of the Regressive Party.

You won't see us on any ballot because we believe everything is best done behind closed doors. We're like the Masons, minus the goofy costumes. Some of us are nominally Democrats or Republicans, but that's just to throw you off. Here's a few of our super-secret positions, distilled from our party platform. They've been penned by Maddox, the Jefferson of the Regressive Party.

Presidential Favorite: A box of tic-tacs.

Family values: Love your kids? Then beat the shit out of them.

Abortion: We oppose abortion, but support killing babies. Usually we'll just leave them on the rocks like the Spartans. As stated in our party platform, "I'm neither pro choice, nor pro life; I'm pro you-shutting-the-hell-up."

Idaho: Return it to Britain.

Old People: "I came out of the theater and saw old people dancing to country music in the courtyard. I couldn't remember the last time I saw a group of people begging this hard to be aborted."

Vampires: "Vampire hunting will be a government-sanctioned profession."

Photo Credit: Maddox. He sells bumper stickers here.

21 comments:

not so casual observer said...

You were cuter with the beard! This is a photo from Americas Most Wanted.

Anonymous said...

I think you're the Chairman of the Regressive Party. We can put this into wikipedia. Should we list the headquarters as the records and deeds office in Northampton County, or the first floor bathroom in the courthouse?

Anonymous said...

I look at this guy, and think "Pinky and the Brain"
He could sell advertising space on that forehead!

Anonymous said...

Are we going to get to vote on your new picture?

Anonymous said...

LOL!! The Regressive Party idea is funny and I liked the site with all the t-shirts. Very entertaining !

Alfonso Todd

Anonymous said...

Your recent obsession on this matter seems like a coping mechanism for being insulted. You are over-compensating.

Bernie O'Hare said...

Hey, take it easy on me. My dad used to put his cigarettes out on my forehead and my shrink tells me I should write every day.

Anonymous said...

maddox is brilliant.


i want in.

A.J.C. said...

Picture looks more like Scott Armstrong... lol.

Anonymous said...

I was thinking it looked like Pawlowski before he gained weight and lost his hair.

Bernie, you get shirts made and I'll buy one - and don't forget the bumper stickers.

The Banker

Anonymous said...

may i suggest the party's theme song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YXTN3h-b9nU

A.J.C. said...

Before I loaded the video, that was actually the song I was thinking of!

Anonymous said...

what can i say? i have powers...

Anonymous said...

and perhaps we could adopt some form of this as our party platform:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oAVoQfoU0dQ&feature=related

Anonymous said...

Boonie, you are not regressive. YOu are a paleoliberal. You just have developed certain Republican mancrushes. Take Angle for instance. You filing the bond lawsuits at his behest in 2001 brought you back from the suspended drunk lawyer hinterland. And for that you are grateful. And you should be admired for your gratitude. The fact that Angle's principles are completely opposite your's should give you pause, but as the kids say - whatever. I think you just think Dent is cute.

Anonymous said...

Dent talked to Obama and O'Hare said see he is nice, he is a moderate. Of course when it came time to vote he followed the herd of elephants and voted no. Hell, even 11 Democrats voted against the plan.

But in the world of O'Hairy, it's not what you do but what he makes of what you say. Why do you think he supports Stoffa. That guy han't done a thing in 3 years. But he invites Bernnie to press conferences, now thats a nice!

Bernie O'Hare said...

Anon 7:48,

I will have a blog about Dent's NO vote.

As far as Angle goes, he knew nothing about my lawsuit concerning the bond until a few days before it was filed. A nonpartisan group of Dems, Rs & Greens filed the suit. Angle did not fund it either. That was mostly me, although some of the other plaintiffs were nice enough to help out.

Ron and I are good friends, and I find I do agree with him about local issues most of the time. I probably could not support him for state or federal office, but I have a great deal of respect and admiration for this one-of-a-kind.

Stoffa never invited me to a news conference. I tagged along at one of them, and it gave Joe Long a heart attack. I am invited regularly to news conferences by Cunningham, Charlie Dent, Meg Holland and a few other pols.

Stoffa has one major accomplishment. He put the county's finances on solid footings. It took him much longer than he thought. He has also added dignity once again to the office of executive because no one in the LV has his integrity. I know many prominent Dems who are praying for him to run, but that's his choice.

Anonymous said...

Anon 748pm, Dent's "no" vote was a moderate vote. That bill is the most pork-laden piece of crap passed in Washington in history - and given all the pork that has out over the years, that's saying a lot.

If you read the details, it's about a 90 / 10 ratio of pork / stimulus spending. And that helps us how?

Now having said that, things that were just bad happened during the Bush administration. Pork in general is equal-opportunity, both parties are to blame. But please don't say that because Dent voted no that he's a conservative. Speaking as one, I can assure you that he isn't.

The Banker

Anonymous said...

Stoffa inherited a huge surplus and then raised taxes and even doing nothing for three years has spent down the surplus.
Prominent Democrats, who you? That isn't a very prominent crowd. He will have opponents not because he is corrupt but becuase he is incompetent.

An Exorcist said...

Bernie,

Nice pic.

Do I have to refer to you now as,

"The Prince of Whales"?

(I think that is the correct spelling..)

Peace be with you, ~~Alex

Bernie O'Hare said...

Whales? That's all muscle.